Chinese Nationalist Whacking It to Japanese Porn Feels Super Guilty

Sunday, September 30, 2012
Masturbating guy

SHANGHAI — Local Chinese nationalist Ma Haiqing (pictured above) revealed last night in a weibo post that he felt “super guilty” flogging the log with Japanese porn. Ma wrote that, despite his deep-seated hatred of the Japanese nation, he was unable to shake his addiction to Japanese adult video.

“I have these horrible bouts of guilt, like two to three times a day,” Ma went on. “Every time I crank the shank to some woman being hog tied or degraded on a public bus, I feel like a traitor. If only the girls in these videos were Chinese, I wouldn’t feel so bad.”

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Taiwan and Japan Play Fight Around Chinese Islands

Friday, September 28, 2012
Photo © Getty Images

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No Crewman on Chinese Aircraft Carrier Can Read Russian Manual

Wednesday, September 26, 2012
It's all in Russian

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Wang Lijun Really Not Looking Forward to Federal Pound-Me-in-the-Ass Prison

Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Wang looking concerned for his anus

After receiving his sentence of 15 years in prison, disgraced Chongqing police chief Wang Lijun admitted to a small coterie of friends and supporters that he was “really not looking forward to” prison, where he will most likely be anally penetrated.

A family friend recalled that Wang looked “visibly concerned” for the virginity of his poop chute, but revealed he had a plan.

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Japanese Embassy in Beijing Set Ablaze While Police Distracted by Elderly Petitioner

Saturday, September 22, 2012
Photo © Getty Images

BEIJING — Yesterday afternoon, anti-Japanese protesters managed to set fire to the Japanese Embassy when the riot police protecting the consulate were suddenly called away to deal with a “threat to national security” elsewhere in the city.

Protesters used the window of opportunity to dismantle the protective barriers around the embassy and set it ablaze. The nationalist mob was later seen roaming the streets in search of other scapegoats for their anger.

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Woman Discovers Her Car Is Japanese After Seeing It Smashed by Roving Mob

Friday, September 21, 2012
That'll teach Japan

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Flag Printers, Auto Repair Shops Loving Anti-Japanese Protests

Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Photo © AFP

SHANGHAI — Though many Japanese factories and businesses have closed due to the recent protests, causing untold financial damage to both the Japanese and Chinese economies, some businesses are thriving amid the misguided anger.

“There’s nothing like blind jingoism tinged with racial overtones to boost sales,” says Zhang Han, who owns a flag printing shop downtown. “In fact, I haven’t seen sales like this since the Belgrade embassy bombing in ’99.”

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POLL: Less than 1% of Protesters Clamoring for War Have Actually Held a Gun

Tuesday, September 18, 2012
People who have no fucking idea what war is

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Protesters Demonstrate China’s Peaceful Rise by Destroying Shit from Countries They Don’t Agree With

Monday, September 17, 2012
Photo © Reuters

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China to Purchase Four Islands in Disputed Territory

Thursday, September 13, 2012
Hokkaido, Honshu, Shikoku and Kyushu

BEIJING — In response to the Japanese government’s purchase of a group of disputed islands for $30 million this week, Beijing announced that it too will purchase several islands in disputed territory.

“We are looking at securing appropriations that will allow us to purchase four more-or-less uninhabited islands to the east: Hokkaido, Honshu, Shikoku and Kyushu,” said Liu Qi, a senior official in the Ministry of Land and Resources. “Though the islands possess scant natural resources, we have found ample stores of manga and pornography, both of which mainland citizens sorely need.”

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