Japanese Embassy in Beijing Set Ablaze While Police Distracted by Elderly Petitioner

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BEIJING — Yesterday afternoon, anti-Japanese protesters managed to set fire to the Japanese Embassy when the riot police protecting the consulate were suddenly called away to deal with a “threat to national security” elsewhere in the city.

Protesters used the window of opportunity to dismantle the protective barriers around the embassy and set it ablaze. The nationalist mob was later seen roaming the streets in search of other scapegoats for their anger.

Police sources later confirmed that the security forces, armed with teargas, batons and automatic rifles were relocated to deal with an elderly petitioner seeking justice after his wife was pushed down a flight of stairs by a local official for coughing too loudly.

Disgruntled senior Liang Jianqi, 82, appeared alone at the main entrance to the State Bureau for Letters and Calls in Beijing’s Xicheng district with a 5,000-name petition demanding the police pay for his wife’s medical bills. Though the gates were immediately closed and shuttered against this threat, police officials, huddling under their desks, called the riot police away from their protective cordon around the Japanese embassy, begging the squads to “rescue them from this crazed terrorist.”

The octogenarian was quickly subdued, beaten and handcuffed. Then tasered just to be sure.

When the reinforcements arrived, they found Liang prostrate, knocking his arthritic hand feebly against the barricaded steel gates of the compound, asking if one official “might be kind enough” to read his petition. According to eyewitnesses, the octogenarian was quickly subdued, beaten and handcuffed. Then tasered just to be sure.

Xicheng chief of police Zhang Tao, along with the two mistresses with him at the time, expressed their gratitude at a press conference later that afternoon, around the same time protesters firebombed a series of Chinese-run sushi restaurants.

“Me and these two hookers would like to thank our brave men-in-green personally for rescuing us from this madman,” said Zhang. “They turned what could have been an embarrassing exposure of the laughably corrupt practices within this department into just another public beating.”

He added, “When officers put themselves in no harm’s way to protect the reputation of a minor official while ignoring genuine threats to public order, you know the system works.”

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