Wang Lijun Really Not Looking Forward to Federal Pound-Me-in-the-Ass Prison

Wang looking concerned for his anus

BEIJING — After receiving his sentence of 15 years in prison, disgraced Chongqing police chief Wang Lijun admitted to a small coterie of friends and supporters that he was “really not looking forward to” prison, where he will most likely be anally penetrated.

A family friend recalled that Wang looked “visibly concerned” for the virginity of his poop chute, but revealed he had a plan.

“I’m going to align myself with the Shanghai Clique. They’ve got a lot of guys in there and they take care of their own,” Wang reportedly said. “Failing that, I’m going to find the most senior official on the block—Liu Zhijun maybe—and give him the blowjob of a lifetime.”

Gu Kailai is probably filing her toothbrush into a shank as we speak.

Wang told the group that he planned to walk the straight and narrow and get out early for good behavior, which meant staying the fuck away from Gu Kailai in the yard. “That bitch is probably filing her toothbrush into a shank as we speak. It won’t be hard to hide in her fat suit.”

When asked why he was so eager to turn bitch, Wang answered that he had made a lot of enemies during his tenure as a corrupt and amoral police chief. “I framed a lot of the guys in there, pinned crimes on them they didn’t commit. They’re going to be out for revenge… anal revenge.”

At one point, the once-powerful chief of police came close to tears as he contemplated his inevitable butt rape. “God must have a sense of humor, because soon I’ll know how the people of Chongqing felt under me and Bo.”

But the thought of his erstwhile partner-in-crime seemed to lift Wang’s spirits. According to sources present, he looked hopeful for the first time in weeks. “I just have to last until Bo gets in,” he said with a slight smile. “Then we’ll make our bid to run the place. It’ll be just like old times.”

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