October | 2012 | Ministry of Harmony

American Presidential Race Turns Chinese Off Democracy

Monday, October 29, 2012

Barack Obama and Mitt Romney demonstrating why democracy just doesn't work

BEIJING — Americans aren’t the only ones disillusioned by the vitriolic presidential race this year. New research shows that a large number of Chinese citizens who previously supported democratic reforms are now questioning the intelligence of a system that allows politicians to spend nearly two years trying to become president instead of doing the jobs for which they were elected.

According to a recent Pew Research Center poll, the number of Chinese who said they admire American-style democracy declined by 64% since the beginning of the 2012 campaign season, with the sharpest drop during the Republican primaries.

Mo Yan Blows Nobel Prize Money on Luxurious One-square-foot Beijing Apartment

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Possible Amendments to CPC Constitution

Friday, October 26, 2012

The Communist Party of China will amend the Party Constitution at the upcoming 18th National Congress. The following are some ideas proposed in the draft document:

1. Energize base and return to Communist roots with good old-fashioned purge.

2. Increase investment in developing authentic Mexican restaurant chain.

3. To ensure the purity of Mao Zedong Thought, all documents relating to Mao Zedong will be removed from general circulation and destroyed.

Wen Jiabao Offers King Sihanouk’s Widow Condolences, Hospital Bill

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

BEIJING — As the late King Sihanouk’s body lay in state prior to its repatriation to Cambodia, Chinese premier Wen Jiabao solemnly presented the grieving widow of the country’s former monarch with a formal letter of condolence from the Chinese people.

He then, equally solemnly, presented her with a $450,000 bill for the medical treatment and lavish accommodation her husband had received as a guest of the Chinese government.

Cai Bin: How I Came to Own 21 Houses

Friday, October 19, 2012

In the past week, a lot of people have expressed shock and surprise that a low-level corrupt official like me could accumulate 21 personal homes. But, to tell you the truth, it really wasn’t that hard. Let me walk you through it.

House #1. This one was semi-legit. My wife’s family wouldn’t allow her to marry me if I didn’t have a house so I saved all my bribes for half a year. My wife did her part and only bought one Hermès bag a month. I still don’t know how she did it.

#2. After buying that first home, I realized the importance of owning property. Also, I got promoted so I was receiving larger bribes.

#3. I bought this one without telling my wife and put it under my own name. I really recommend this for all the venal officials out there. It’s just so much easier to keep mistresses when you have your own place.

Huawei Condemns American Protectionism Without Any Sense of Irony

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Speaking with a completely straight face at a recent press conference, Huawei Technologies President Ren Zhengfei publicly denounced the U.S. government after Congress described Huawei as a security threat.

Reporters present say that Mr. Ren delivered these remarks with no discernible irony whatsoever, suggesting the 57-year-old former PLA officer feels no cognitive dissonance over Huawei’s cries of protectionism and the fact that the Chinese government has prevented any foreign telecom company from operating within its territory for precisely the same reasons.

Mo Yan Becomes First Non-incarcerated Chinese Person to Win Nobel Prize

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Six Pack Shortcuts’ Mike Chang Revealed to be Chinese Soft Power Exercise

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Mike Chang, the most dangerous man in America

After months of investigations, the CIA has concluded that the workout videos fronted by Internet fitness guru Mike Chang are in fact a soft power initiative conducted by China’s Propaganda Department. In a report released on Monday, CIA investigators claim to have found a video depicting the musclebound personal trainer attending a Communist Youth League rally in Yan’an, Shaanxi.

In the controversial video, Chang is welcomed on stage by the provincial party secretary and is congratulated for his achievements in “furthering the dissemination of Socialism with Chinese Characteristics through subliminal techniques against China’s enemies.”

Bo Guagua: My #1 Dad

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

by Bo Guagua

When I was young, my father used to take me on trips around China. During a trip to Xi’an, I wandered off and found myself lost in the crowd of tourists. My dad found me half an hour later, crying next to a trash can. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me and I’ll never forget what he said.

“Guagua,” he told me. “I love you so much. I would kill every single one of these people—every single one of them—if it meant keeping you safe.” That’s when I knew I had the best father in the world.