Huawei Condemns American Protectionism Without Any Sense of Irony


BEIJING — Speaking with a completely straight face at a recent press conference, Huawei Technologies President Ren Zhengfei publicly denounced the U.S. government after Congress described Huawei as a security threat.

Reporters present say that Mr. Ren delivered these remarks with no discernible irony whatsoever, suggesting the 57-year-old former PLA officer feels no cognitive dissonance over Huawei’s cries of protectionism and the fact that the Chinese government has prevented any foreign telecom company from operating within its territory for precisely the same reasons.

Huawei has come under fire in the U.S., UK and Canada for its rumored ties to the Chinese government, with security experts in all three countries voicing concerns that allowing Huawei’s hardware and operating systems into domestic communications networks could pave the way for devastating cyber attacks from the Chinese military and, in the event of war, could allow China to completely shut down enemy communications.

“I thought we were past this,” an exasperated Ren said at the press conference. “But I’ll say it again: I swear on my mother’s life that if conflict should break out between the U.S. and China, Huawei will absolutely not turn over control of the network to the PLA, allowing them to disrupt ground and satellite communication in the continental U.S., provide a smokescreen for a land invasion through southern California paired with tactical nuclear strikes on high-value targets along the east coast.”

Ren went on to lambast the U.S. for its protectionist approach to Chinese firms without acknowledging the utter hypocrisy of such an assertion.

Ren telling David Cameron that Britain needs less government interference in business.

“The U.S. needs to practice what it preaches, like China does,” he told reporters without so much as cracking a smile. “The WTO told China to open its markets and look at how far we’ve come. You wouldn’t catch us denying foreigners market access to key strategic sectors like oil, gas, power or telecommunications.”

“Indeed, China welcomes foreign investment,” he continued. “So long as it creates Chinese jobs, benefits Chinese people and diverts all profits towards Chinese interests. What’s unfair about that?”

At this point, Ren raised a hand to his mouth, leading some to posit he was concealing a knowing grin. However, later parsing of the footage revealed he was merely wiping spittle from his lips.

After the press conference, Ren and his staff withdrew backstage. Reporters lingered, expecting to hear the hoots of laughter after a successful prank. However, all remained quiet.

“This is deeply troubling,” said New York Times journalist Veronica Simms, who was convinced she was on a hidden camera show. “I guess he really believed that shit.”

Chinese journalists, on the other hand, diligently noted Ren’s every word.

CCTV anchor and closet bigot Yang Rui said on his show, “We support everything Mr. Ren said. Chinese companies, unlike their U.S. counterparts, are unfettered by government interference.”

“After all, you can’t interfere with something when you completely control it.”

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