Itinerary for First Day of 18th National Congress

Delegates to the 18th National Congress

9:00 – 10:00 am — New members icebreaker, trust-building exercises.

10:00 – 10:01 am — Moment of silence for late chairman Mao Zedong.

10:01 – 11:00 am — Assign new identities, fake mustaches to Party members convicted of crimes or misconduct.

11:00 – 12:00 pm — Get 5 yuan haircuts from the really old guy in the hutong behind Zhongshan Park.

12:00 – 1:00 pm — Lunch. Choice of river dolphin soup or shark fin salad. Free flow Moutai.

1:00 – 1:30 pm — Allocate funds for top secret project to clone Confucius using DNA from mosquitoes trapped in amber.

1:30 – 2:00 pm — Rededicate the Bo Xilai wing of Zhongnanhai Central Compound to somebody, anybody else.

2:00 – 4:00 pm — Mid-afternoon recess. Delegates may go back to their respective hotels and spend some quality time with their Beijing mistresses.

4:00 – 5:00 pm — Reconvene and discuss which, if any, performance targets were met.

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