Recording of Hu Jintao’s National Congress Speech Becomes Best-selling Sleep Aid

The most uninteresting man in the world

BEIJING — China’s top scientists are studying the soporific effects of Hu Jintao’s speech to the 18th National Congress on Thursday, after the Chinese President managed to lull all 2268 delegates to sleep within minutes of opening his mouth.

“It seems that something about the endless droning of President Hu reading meaningless, pseudo-Marxist psychobabble sends people right into REM sleep,” said Zhang Xiuji, a researcher with the Chinese Academy of Sciences.

On the streets, bootlegged tapes of the speech are being copied and resold illegally as a powerful hypnotic. The full 90-minute speech has also been uploaded to iTunes, where it has outsold “Soothing Ocean Waves” and “Nature Sounds Compilation” as best sleeping album.

It’s enough to make even the most stubborn insomniac zonk the fuck out.

In the 30-second preview of the top-rated track, “On Scientific Outlook on Development,” Hu somberly intones, “Together with Marxism-Leninism, Mao Zedong Thought, Deng Xiaoping Theory and the important thought of Three Represents, the Scientific Outlook on Development is the theoretical guidance the Party must adhere to for a long time.” One commenter wrote, “It’s enough to make even the most stubborn insomniac zonk the fuck out.”

But the somnolent qualities of Hu’s speech could be dangerous if left unregulated and scientists warn that those who have downloaded the speech should listen to it with extreme caution. Prolonged aural exposure, such as leaving the speech on overnight on repeat, could cause serious paralysis or death.

Indeed, early test results show that Hu’s unrelenting monotone could be nearly five times as potent as Rohypnol, the date rape drug commonly known as a roofie.

“We have to be cognizant of who has access to the audio of Hu’s speech and what they intend to use it for,” cautioned Zhang. “If we’re not careful, we could be looking at an epidemic of what I’d like to call, ‘head of state rape.'”

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