Xi Jinping Ejects Dishevelled, Babbling Future Self from National Congress
BEIJING — Chinese president-in-waiting Xi Jinping today ejected what appeared to be an unkempt version of himself from the floor of the 18th National Congress. The sponge-faced politician was seen scuffling with himself for several minutes before finally convincing bemused security guards to escort his assailant from the premises.
“About halfway through the meeting, there was this flash of blue light, and suddenly there were two Xi Jinpings standing by the hot water machine,” an official present at the time revealed. “The new Xi, or Xi II, looked older, and was completely naked apart from a makeshift loincloth.”
According to the anonymous source, the disheveled time traveler then began to address the meeting, to the current Xi’s obvious discomfort.
“He started babbling, ‘You’ve got to stop me! I didn’t know what I was doing! It’ll come soon, sooner than you think, but, oh—oh holy fucking Christ!'”
The man reportedly became agitated at the presence of his smiling doppelganger in the same room, pointing his finger at Xi’s face before continuing.
“You. You. You know what I’m talking about, you evil creature! Just, for the sake of the world’s children, don’t do it!”
“The bodies, they were… oh God, they were…” he continued before collapsing into sobs.
Xi Jinping attempted to console the timewalker, but was roughly pushed aside by his future self, and the two began to grapple.
“Xi I is more spry than his future self was, but the guy was desperate,” said the source. “Soon he had him pinned against the desk and was holding a shank to his throat.”
“Then he started screaming, ‘We’ve gotta kill him! Now! Or it’s game over, man, game over!'”
Great Hall of the People security guards arrived at this point, disarming the man despite their confusion and ejecting him from the building. He was last seen staring wide-eyed at the wall of Chairman Mao’s mausoleum in the center of Tiananmen Square. Passing tourists reported overhearing him mutter: “Oh, God, the kids… this is where they… this is where it happened…”
“Oh God, oh God, oh God,” he added, before being escorted away by police.
The Central Committee of the Politburo has yet to issue a statement about the incident. At a press conference later that day, official spokesperson Dong Hanwei refused to comment on any connection between the time shifter’s sudden appearance and the upcoming meeting between Xi, Kim Jong-Un, Warren Buffett, Saudi King Abdullah ibn Abdul Aziz, representatives of the Papal Swiss Guard and the Kardashians.
Dong did however confirm that the meeting would go ahead at Hu Jintao’s undersea lair as scheduled.