Jiang Zemin Shits Himself on Last Day of National Congress

Jiang Zemin shitting himself

BEIJING — Having almost made it through the grueling, sleep-inducing five-day conference, former president Jiang Zemin seemingly lost control of his bowels on this, the final day of the 18th National Congress.

According to a high-ranking official seated next to Jiang (pictured above), the aging politician “let one fly” during a speech by president-in-waiting Xi Jinping, only it was “wetter than expected.”

“And once he started,” the official claimed, “he couldn’t stop.”

In the photograph, one can see Jiang just moments after flooding the Yangtze, and his attendant trying to insert some absorbent wipes between Jiang’s pants and the expensive wool cushions.

“Jiang is an immensely subtle and skilled politician. He wouldn’t just crap his pants randomly.”

The picture was circulated widely on Weibo before being censored and the words “shit,” “poop,” “defecate,” “brown town,” “skid mark,” and “trouser chili” have since been added to the list of banned search terms.

Though many have concluded from this embarrassing episode that Jiang is too old and incontinent to be given power and make public appearances, some analysts believe that the former president went boom boom during Xi’s speech on purpose.

“Jiang is an immensely subtle and skilled politician,” said Zhou Guorong, a political science professor at Tsinghua University. “He wouldn’t just crap his pants randomly.”

Zhou believes that Jiang let the doo doo butter flow to call attention to how shitty he thinks Xi Jingping’s tenure will be.

“Notice how he doesn’t seem the least bit embarrassed. Notice how he almost seems to revel in burnishing his underwear.”

“No,” Zhou said. “I don’t think it was an accident at all—I believe he did it on purpose.”

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