Mitt Romney Offered 8th Seat on Politburo Standing Committee

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BEIJING — According to inside sources, top leaders of the Communist Party originally planned for the Politburo Standing Committee to be comprised of eight members instead of seven, with Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney rounding out the list.

Internal memos reveal that shortly after Romney’s devastating loss last Wednesday, his aides reached out to the CCP to see if they had any openings, saying the former Massachusetts governor was now looking for a job, preferably one far, far away from America.

The seven incoming members of the Standing Committee convened an ad hoc meeting to discuss the offer and were split on Romney’s induction.

“Xi cast the deciding vote,” according to a source present at the meeting. “He stood up in front of everyone and said, ‘Mitt Romney is just like us. He’s from a privileged family, rich as shit, has zero sympathy for the poor, and, most importantly, is willing to sell out his most fundamental beliefs for political expediency.'”

Xi praised Romney, citing how, as governor of Massachusetts, he proved his socialist credentials by passing universal health care.

“It’s well known that Romney has been a friend to China over the years,” Xi continued. “He’s created countless opportunities for working-class Chinese by downsizing American companies and moving the jobs over here. He has also made significant investments in both state-owned and private Chinese businesses. Hell, he’s done more for the Chinese people than most of you in this room.”

When the dissenters asked how seriously the Party should take Romney’s anti-China rhetoric during the campaign, Xi brushed their concerns aside, saying: “It’s just politics. You guys should know that in this business you have to say things you don’t believe in order to gain the trust of the people, like when we promise political reform or that we’ll rein in housing prices.”

In the end, however, Romney declined the offer, saying he was “incredibly honored” but couldn’t commit to a 5-year term, as he planned to run and lose again in 2016.


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