China Pundits Proved Wrong in 2012 Make Same Predictions for 2013

Monday, December 31, 2012

NEW YORK — With the new year just around the corner, China pundits who saw their 2012 predictions fail to come true are doubling down on 2013.

Richard Powell, who has been prophesying the fall of the Communist Party since the late ’90s, believed that 2012 would finally see the CPC lose its grip on power.

“Alright, I was wrong,” Powell said during an appearance on msnbc. Then, without any self-reflection or irony, Powell renewed his augury for 2013.

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Miniharm’s Top 10 Moments of 2012

Friday, December 28, 2012
Top 10 Moments of 2012

It’s been a whirlwind year in China. Here’s a look back at 10 moments that made us smile.

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Millions of Chinese Celebrate Birth of Christmas Shopping

Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Christmas Shopping

SHANGHAI — Record numbers of Chinese are turning out this year to celebrate the birth of Christmas shopping, which derives from the Saturnalia tradition of gift giving that was syncretized into mainstream Christianity in order to convert pagans before being co-opted by corporations to sell an empty, materialist dream to the developed world.

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Chinese Officials Leave Earth to Avoid End of the World

Friday, December 21, 2012

JIUQUAN, GANSU — Most of China’s top leadership took off into space yesterday to avoid certain death on this, the last day of human existence. Elite party members, military brass, government officials and their families could be seen boarding multiple spacecraft at Jiuquan Satellite Launch Center in Inner Mongolia on December 20.

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China’s National Knife Association Defends Right to Bear Blades

Wednesday, December 19, 2012
All kinds of knives

BEIJING — The National Knife Association of China has come out after the deadly knife attack in Henan that left 24 wounded to defend the constitutional right to own all kinds of stabbing utensils.

NKA spokesman Zhao Yanqing said that, even in light of the recent tragedy, the group supports “the inalienable right for every Chinese citizen to carry blades of any length, shape, or deadliness.”

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China Calls for “Measured Response” after North Korea Nukes Beijing

Saturday, December 15, 2012
North Korea Nukes Beijing

BEIJING — Yesterday, North Korea fired a prototype ICBM armed with a tactical warhead directly into the heart of Beijing at 3 a.m., devastating six square miles of the city and killing an estimated ten million people.

Immediately after the complete destruction of the nation’s capital, the surviving members of the Chinese government issued a statement calling for “restraint and careful diplomacy” following this “unfortunate development.”

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Chen Guangcheng Screws Up First Civil Case in U.S.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Chen Guangcheng

NEW YORK — Just days after being named GQ‘s Rebel of the Year, Chen Guangcheng suffered a major setback in his pursuit of a legal career in the United States after making a mess of his first civil case in the country.

The blind activist, whose daring escape from house arrest and subsequent flight to America made headlines around the world, represented Dwayne Jarvis in a civil rights suit against the State of Oklahoma.

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Judges in “Interceptor” Case Intercepted

Thursday, December 6, 2012
Black Jail

BEIJING — On Sunday, the Beijing Youth Daily reported that 10 “interceptors”—thugs hired by provincial governments to prevent petitioners from complaining in Beijing—from Henan were jailed. A Beijing court has asked for a retraction after discovering that the judge responsible for overseeing this case had disappeared before giving a ruling.

“We don’t know where he is,” said a source from the Ministry of Justice. “But we believe he might have been himself intercepted.”

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Mistress in Chongqing Sex Tape Gets Own Reality Show

Monday, December 3, 2012
Not actual mistress

CHANGSHA —Hunan television announced today that it’s in the process of producing a new reality TV show along the lines of Punk’d, starring Zhao Hongxia, the mistress at the center of the Lei Zhengfu sex tape scandal.

Zhao, who slept with the bulbous Lei and videotaped their tryst, which was eventually leaked and got Lei dismissed, says she only partly did it because a real estate developer asked her to for blackmailing purposes. Another reason, she says, was for the pursuit of justice.

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