China Calls for “Measured Response” after North Korea Nukes Beijing
BEIJING — Yesterday, North Korea fired a prototype ICBM armed with a tactical warhead directly into the heart of Beijing at 3 a.m., devastating six square miles of the city and killing an estimated ten million people.
Immediately after the complete destruction of the nation’s capital, the surviving members of the Chinese government issued a statement calling for “restraint and careful diplomacy” following this “unfortunate development.”
Standing amid the smoldering wreckage of what was once the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, a disheveled government spokesperson told what was left of the press corps that the North’s actions “should not and will not cause us to give up on finding a diplomatic solution to our differences,” adding that, “if Foreign Minister Yang Jiechi had not been caught in the blast radius of the 8-megaton warhead, he would agree with me.”
The spokesperson then paused to cough bloody pus into a handkerchief, before losing consciousness.
In an address to world leaders delivered the day before the strike, Marshmallow Man Kim Jong-un, speaking from the back of a 12-foot tall pink stallion, vowed to launch further missiles against Shanghai, Paris, London, New York, Tokyo and other world cities “every hour, on the hour, until our enemies are but ashes.”
Kim’s statement led many to assume that China would withdraw support for its longtime regional ally. However, China vetoed a Security Council resolution for military intervention, in order to, according to its UN representative, “prevent the situation from getting out of hand.”
“Sure, we could invade North Korea,” diplomat Sun Wei told incredulous reporters after the Security Council meeting. “We could remove the Kim dynasty and assist the North in a peaceful transition toward a workable, efficient political system run by sane and conscientious people and eventually reunite with the South.”
“Sure, we could defuse tensions in the region in one fell swoop and hang Kim Jong-un from a rafter like the bloated pig he is, bringing hope and prosperity to the most oppressive and miserable failed state on earth, joining hands with our neighbors to at last put the best interests of every Asian citizen first.”
“Sure, we could do all that,” Sun continued. “But without a buffer state, we’d be vulnerable to an American-led ground invasion.”
Another government ministry spokesperson, who had forgotten his name due to acute radiation poisoning, also told our reporter that China would continue to send food aid, weapons and military advisers to North Korea, as it would be “a breach of protocol to renege on our previous commitments to our North Korean brethren.”