China’s National Knife Association Defends Right to Bear Blades

All kinds of knives

BEIJING — The National Knife Association of China has come out after the deadly knife attack in Henan that left 24 wounded to defend the constitutional right to own all kinds of stabbing utensils.

NKA spokesman Zhao Yanqing said that, even in light of the recent tragedy, the group supports “the inalienable right for every Chinese citizen to carry blades of any length, shape, or deadliness.”

“From scalpels to scimitars, shivs to shanks,” Zhao said in a press conference, “the right to bear blades shall not be infringed.”

When asked if this right extended to anachronistic objects clearly intended to maim or kill, Zhao was adamant. “The right to bear blades protects all kinds of deadly instruments, even if they serve no other purpose than to impale human beings. Whether it’s a broadsword or bayonet, falchion or flamberge, stiletto or shamshir, it’s all protected under the law.”

Épées don’t kill people, people kill people.

The NKA has drawn comparisons to the National Rifle Association of America for its staunch defense of inanimate objects that allow psychopaths to massacre children. One phrase the NKA has popularized is, “Épées don’t kill people, people kill people.”

Zhao went as far to suggest that the wounded children, who were between the ages of six and twelve, would have been safer had they all been carrying knives.

“If all the children were packing switchblades, this might not have happened,” Zhao posited. “No one is going to fuck with a grade-schooler if they think he might be carrying.”

Yang Min, a reporter who has been following the NKA for decades, put Zhao’s remarks in context. “Sure, these guys are delusional assholes, but at least knives have plenty of other uses.”

“I can’t imagine anyone making these arguments for things like semi-automatic rifles,” she continued. “No, that’d just be crazy.”

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