Chinese Officials Leave Earth to Avoid End of the World
JIUQUAN, GANSU — Most of China’s top leadership took off into space yesterday to avoid certain death on this, the last day of human existence. Elite party members, military brass, government officials and their families could be seen boarding multiple spacecraft at Jiuquan Satellite Launch Center in Inner Mongolia on December 20.
A government spokesman in Beijing who was left to burn on this doomed globe said that although the chosen few wished they could have faced Armageddon with the rest of the Chinese people, they also had a duty to ensure that the Chinese civilization would live on through the end times.
As one senior official departing Earth put it, “Whatever happens—tsunami, asteroid collision, zombie apocalypse—I don’t plan on being here.”
The spacecraft are stocked with a month’s provisions and enough propellant to reach the International Space Station. The officials will orbit the Earth for one week, see how things are, then make a decision whether to return.
To quell the widespread public anger at being left to die like stowaways on the Titanic, state-owned newspapers ran op-eds stoking nationalist pride.
“Our brave officials have taken to the sky,” one op-ed read, “to ensure that the glorious Chinese civilization which has endured many millennia will not perish even with the end of the world.”
“Let us welcome our swift and fiery death with the knowledge that although we might perish, China will live on,” it concluded.
Though most spacecraft launched without a hitch, the one reserved for civilian experts was delayed due to a last-minute decision to replace the scientists on board with mistresses of various high-level officials.
One official in space defended the controversial decision by saying, “When we come back to this rock after you’re all dead, our first task will be to repopulate the earth, not publish an academic journal.”
Indeed, the spacefaring officials are trying their best to assure the Chinese people that they are not just trying to save themselves. To this end, they have released the blueprints of the Long March 2F rocket, so that anyone with the resources to reach low earth orbit may do so.
For those unable to achieve escape velocity, the government suggests “heading to Tibet and trying to get on one of those big boats.”