Security Guard with Rubber Baton Thinks He’s Clint Fucking Eastwood

Thursday, January 31, 2013
Photo © UPI

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Japanese Nationalists Dismantle Yasukuni Shrine, Reassemble It Around Sleeping Shinzo Abe

Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Shinzo Abe

TOKYO — With tensions between China and Japan running high over the disputed Senkaku/Diaoyu island chain, Japanese nationalists led by former Tokyo governor Shintaro Ishihara dismantled Tokyo’s controversial Yasukuni Shrine, which commemorates Japan’s war dead, including Class-A war criminals, and reassembled it around a sleeping Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.

Abe, exhausted from his attempts to build bridges with Japan’s ASEAN neighbors over Chinese military expansion while also reaching out to Beijing, was taking a “well-earned rest” in his Tokyo home when members of Ishihara’s nationalist Sunrise Party broke in, sedated him, and relocated him to a Tokyo park.

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Nation Horrified by Corrupt Official’s Appalling Taste

Saturday, January 26, 2013
Rui Hailong's Living Room

BEIJING — Following the arrest of National People’s Congress member Rui Hailong, anti-corruption authorities released photographs of Rui’s luxury Beijing villa, leaving netizens and investigators speechless as to the extent of Rui’s appalling sense of personal taste.

The Chinese public, long shielded from the excesses of their leaders by a media smokescreen only recently lifted by the new hard-line Central Committee, have now been exposed to the true horror of their lumpen leaders’ utter lack of any sense of style or aesthetics.

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CPC Officials’ Scalps Opened for Oil Drilling

Thursday, January 24, 2013
Photo © Getty Images

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Proposed Reforms to China’s Reeducation Through Labor System

Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Reeducation Through Labor

The Chinese government has vowed to reform the reeducation through labor system this year. The following are ideas proposed in an internal memo:

1. Demographics are skewed. Inmates are mostly males. We should focus on recruiting more females, children and elderly.

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Child Prodigy Can Identify Six Distinct Varieties of Foreigner

Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Photo © Tom Spender from Flickr

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Chinese Release of Skyfall to Omit Sequence Where 007 Shoots Entire Politburo in the Head

Sunday, January 20, 2013
Skyfall

BEIJING — The hotly-anticipated Chinese mainland premiere of Skyfall, the latest installment in the James Bond saga, will take place tomorrow. While the film hit overseas markets in December, its release in China was delayed while officials with the State Administration of Radio, Film and Television (SARFT) debated whether to remove a sequence in which James Bond shoots each member of the entire Standing Committee of the Politburo of the Communist Party of China in the head at point-blank range.

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Lance Armstrong Admits to Trying Way Too Hard to Cheat at Riding a Bike

Saturday, January 19, 2013
Photo © AP

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Under withering questioning from Oprah Winfrey, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong admitted last night on national television that he worked way too hard trying to cheat at riding a bike quickly.

“I am sorry to admit to the American people that I spent a great deal of time and energy scheming about how to propel a pedal-driven recreational vehicle at ever greater velocities,” a penitent-looking Armstrong said.

“I thought riding bicycle swiftly was a big deal, but it turns out that there are literally hundreds of millions of people who can do the same thing, many of them in China.”

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Christian Right: “Hong Kong is No Place for Love”

Friday, January 18, 2013
Bigots

HONG KONG — During a rally in opposition to legislation to outlaw sexual discrimination, Hong Kong’s Christian right came out in force with one core message.

“Hong Kong is no place for love, tolerance or understanding,” keynote speaker Reverend Jayson Tam told a crowd of thousands. “If we wanted our children to grow up with the right to love whomever they want, we’d have moved to San Francisco after the handover like other free thinking people.”

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Strange Orb of Light Spotted in Beijing Sky

Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Strange Orb

BEIJING — The Chinese government is on high alert today as an unidentified orb of light suddenly appeared in the sky over the capital city. This frightening scene caused officials to declare a public day of rest and warn citizens to stay at home and draw their shades.

Though details are still fuzzy, preliminary reports say that at approximately 7:34 AM, a glowing ball of fire appeared on the horizon and continued its transit across the sky as the day went on.

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