Jackie Chan to Donate All “Corrupt” U.S. Earnings to the Communist Party

Jackie Chan

HONG KONG — Kung fu has-been Jackie Chan has announced he will donate the tens of millions of dollars he’s earned over decades working in America directly to the Communist Party of China. His decision came, in Chan’s words, after he realized that the U.S. is “the most corrupt, hateful and nasty poo-poo country on Earth.”

Speaking at a press conference to launch Black On, Black Off, his sixteenth brand of hair-blackening shampoo, Chan, 143, declared that “I can no longer in good conscience prop up this detestable regime and its so-called ‘President’ Barack Obama.”

“The only solution,” the hedgehog-faced star continued, “is to take the millions of dollars I have garnered in U.S. box-office royalties, along with all profits made from U.S. sales of the substandard products I endorse, and give them to the incorruptible, all-powerful Communist Party of China.”

“That’s basically the same thing as giving it directly to the needy,” added . “The clue is in the title—the People’s Supreme Court, the People’s Political Consultative Conference, the People’s Liberation Army— now that’s what I call real democracy!”

“My decision has nothing to do with the fact that I’m no longer bankable in America.”

Once seen as the affable face of Chinese-American friendship, Chan has become hawkish on the subject of the United States in recent years, a shift which he assured reporters had “nothing to do with the fact that I’m no longer bankable there.”

“The fact that I haven’t had a decent crossover hit in decades is unrelated to my desire to cozy up to the Communist Party of China, which now signs all my paychecks,” the jumped-up rubber-cheeked conditioner salesman told Xinhua.

According to Chan’s publicist, the mercenary approach of the U.S. Congress to debt-ceiling negotiations, American neutrality in China’s territorial spats with Japan, and Owen Wilson’s failure to pick up the phone to discuss the possibility of Shanghai Noon 3, all factored in Chan’s decision.

Chan, who has retained his American passport, series of luxurious houses and tax-exempt status, asserted that he would now concentrate on the “good work” he was doing as brand spokesperson for almost every state-owned enterprise in mainland China, citing a recent China Unicom commercial which depicts Chan installing electric lighting in earthquake-stricken Sichuanese villages as an example of how charity work in China, unlike in the US, can materially benefit all parties involved.

“I made a million dollars,” said Chan, “and those volunteer extras playing Sichuanese villagers were fed for a day. Everybody won!”

“My love for China is such that today I proudly declare that, henceforth, both myself and my talentless potato-featured son shall only appear in mainland Chinese advertisements, movies and TV shows, sometimes for as little as $20 million a pop,” he said.

“If that’s not patriotism, I don’t know what is.”


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