PLA Claims Ang Lee’s Oscar Statuettes As “Part of China”

Thursday, February 28, 2013
Ang Lee

BEIJING — At a press conference Tuesday, Ma Changjiang, spokesperson for the People’s Liberation Army, declared that Ang Lee’s Oscar statuettes, won in 2005 and 2013 respectively, were an “inexorable part of China” and “inextricable from the motherland.”

“As a resident of Taiwan Province, Li An [Ang Lee] is a naturalized and legal Chinese citizen, now and forever,” Ma said. “Therefore, any and all of his achievements as a director must be attributed solely to the Communist Party of China.”

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Li Shuangjiang Still Wondering How His Innocent Little Boy Turned into a Depraved Sociopath

Tuesday, February 26, 2013
The Li Family

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Bo Xilai Starving Himself, Growing Beard for Role as Prospero in Jailhouse Production of The Tempest

Monday, February 25, 2013
Bo Xilai

by Wang Xiaoming

Wang Xiaoming is the editor of Ministry of Harmony.

BEIJING — When Bo Xilai walked onstage at the beginning of Act II, he was unrecognizable. Clad in scintillating regalia, clutching a bamboo staff and stroking his chest-length beard, the former Chongqing party secretary had fully transformed himself into Shakespeare’s recalcitrant wizard Prospero.

Indeed, Bo was so captivating that I forgot I was sitting in a prison auditorium.

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Foreigner Finally Breaks It to Host Family That He Doesn’t Know How to Play Chinese Chess

Saturday, February 23, 2013
Foreigner Finally Breaks It to Host Family That He Doesn't Know How to Play Chinese Chess

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Censorship Officials Really Enjoying Third Season of The Walking Dead

Friday, February 22, 2013
The Walking Dead

BEIJING — It’s no surprise that China’s top censorship officials have become loyal followers of American television shows. Every week, in a private screening room in the basement of the Ministry of Culture, they watch with bated breath the latest installment of each popular TV series before issuing a blanket ban on its propagation within the Chinese mainland.

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BREAKING: Shitty Athlete Kills Ugly Girlfriend, No One Cares

Thursday, February 21, 2013
Shitty Athlete Kills Ugly Girlfriend, No One Cares

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CCTV: “Edward Law Assured Us He Was Only Into Normal Porn”

Thursday, February 21, 2013
Edward Law

BEIJING — Edward Law, a former host of BizChina on CCTV-9, was charged with two counts of possessing “extreme pornography” this week, after detectives found more than 800 pornographic videos on his laptop.

To get ahead of the growing scandal, CCTV assured viewers that their employees are only into normal porn and “not the least bit aroused” by that kinky stuff.

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People’s Liberation Army Uncovers Evidence of U.S. Hacking

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

SHANGHAI — The 2nd Bureau of the People’s Liberation Army General Staff’s Department 3rd Department announced today that they have uncovered “incontrovertible proof” of cyber attacks originating from the United States which target Chinese citizens.

“This YouTube video clearly shows an unidentified American operative eavesdropping on a Chinese citizen using his Windows 98-powered computer,” the press release said. “This is an unprecedented invasion of privacy by a foreign power and we will not stand for it.”

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Let Us Choose the Next Guy

Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Pope Benedict XVI

From the office of the Secretariat of the Communist Party of China Central Committee.

Venerable Brothers of the Catholic Church,

We hear you have a quitter on your hands. Wait, we aren’t here to poke fun. We’ve been having trouble with one of ours as well. They just don’t make bishops like they used to.

Therefore, we humbly propose that you allow us, the Communist Party of China, to assist you in selecting the next Bishop of Rome.

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Former Tiger Mother Now Spiritually, Sexually Fulfilled

Monday, February 18, 2013
Former Tiger Mother Now Spiritually, Sexually Fulfilled

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