Celine Dion Inadvertently Ends Career with CCTV New Year’s Gala Performance

Celine Dion Finally Insipid Enough to Perform at CCTV's New Year Gala

BEIJING — Canadian songstress Celine Dion unintentionally sang her swansong during CCTV’s annual New Year’s Gala, signalling the end of her two-decade career without even realizing it.

Dion, 98, performed the Chinese-language folk song “Jasmine” alongside lip-syncing Chinese pseudo-star Song Zuying before dazzling the studio audience with a stirring rendition of “My Heart Will Go On,” her bestselling 1997 single which ruined James Cameron’s Titanic for two generations of filmgoers.

Upon seeing one of the world’s most recognizable singers resort to the dubious platform of the New Year’s Gala, media pundits worldwide assumed that Dion was officially announcing her retirement from public life.

“Why else would you be a part of one of the world’s most soulless and underwhelming cavalcades of forced whimsy?” asked Sony Music executive Carlos Frankfurter. “She walked out in front of the cameras of China’s propaganda machine and performed as part of a line-up of utter nobodies.”

“Nothing says ‘my career’s over’ like performing on CCTV.”

“Nothing says ‘my career’s over’ like performing on CCTV,” he added.

Chinese viewers were just as confused by Dion’s appearance.

“Celine has an Oscar and a Golden Globe, for Christ’s sake!” posted one Weibo user. “The other performers couldn’t even sell instant noodles in the Philippines. How far can a star fall?”

Dion’s longtime agent Jean-Francois Depupipu told reporters he had simply assumed that Dion was using the CCTV gala as a quick escape hatch for a career which peaked well before she married her inveterate gambler husband.

“I mean, Celine didn’t say she was quitting show business in so many words, but the CCTV gala? Silver sequins? Performing alongside a complete nobody who was lip-syncing the entire song? An agent knows how to read between the lines,” he told Agence France-Presse. “I watched the show, allowed myself a tearful reminisce about her live Oscar night performance of “My Heart Will Go On,” then made the necessary calls to formally end her career.”

According to Depupipu, after her performance in Beijing, the horse-faced Canuck was shocked to discover her contract with Sony Music Canada had been canceled, along with all upcoming tour dates, and a planned appearance at this year’s Grammys had been replaced with a thirteen-second “Best of Celine Dion” farewell montage.

Moments after being informed she was no longer signed with Sony and would consequently lose $45 million in royalties per year, Dion reportedly fell into a coma, and was rushed to a local Beijing hospital.

As of February 13, doctors were reluctant to speculate as to whether Dion’s heart would go on.

 


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