Justin Bieber Announces China Tour after Securing “Shoot to Kill” PSB Protection

Friday, March 29, 2013
Justin Bieber

NEW YORK — Infantile pop princeling Justin Bieber announced through his publicist Monday that he would go ahead with a planned tour of the People’s Republic of China after receiving guarantees from the Ministry of Public Security that any invasion of Bieber’s privacy during the visit would be met with the use of “deadly force.”

After being jostled by reporters and fans during recent tour dates in London, treatment which resulted in an alleged breakdown, Bieber’s management redrafted the irritating Canadian star’s standard appearance agreement, placing the security of the blonde moppet above other priorities such as “providing a safe environment for fans” and a requirement that Bieber actually appear in person during concerts.

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Vladimir Putin Pays Tribute to China’s “First MILF”

Thursday, March 28, 2013
Vladimir Putin Pays Tribute to China's "First MILF"

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Kim Jong-un Pleased to See His Goodwill Gift of 16,000 Pigs Has Arrived Safely

Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Kim Jong-un Pleased to See His Goodwill Gift of 16,000 Pigs Has Arrived Safely

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All-China Women’s Federation Raises Leftover Women Age from 27 to 29

Sunday, March 24, 2013
Leftover Women

BEIJING — On Monday, the All-China Women’s Federation, the CPC’s official women’s organization, shocked the nation by increasing the age at which a woman becomes unmarriageable and thus essentially useless from 27 to 29.

The age at which a Chinese female becomes universally unpalatable to suitors is officially known as the Leftover Woman Age Threshold, and has only been raised four times in China’s history.

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Plutocrat, Mafioso Engage in Mutual Back-slapping

Saturday, March 23, 2013
Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin

MOSCOW — An autocrat and a mafioso met in the capital of the world’s largest protection racket yesterday to congratulate one another on their recent undemocratic and iron-fisted seizures of power, lording it over the common man with utter impunity.

Both men also high-fived over their shared sense of admiration that, in an increasingly democratic and free world, they could continue to trample the working class while simultaneously cultivate a benign and streetwise image through their corrupt and uncontested control of their territories’ respective media outlets.

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Shanghai Releases Alligators into Huangpu River to Deal with Dead Pigs

Friday, March 22, 2013
Chinese Alligator

SHANGHAI — To combat the rising number of dead pigs floating in the Huangpu River, the Shanghai municipal government has approved plans to release 200 endangered Chinese alligators into the waterway upstream to devour the pig carcasses before they reach the city.

“This is a big win for everyone,” said Shanghai deputy mayor Zhang Yueran. “Not only will the alligators eliminate the dead pig problem, we are also restoring them to their natural habitat.”

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Kim Jong-un, Ri Sol-ju to Become World’s Shittiest Parents

Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Kim Jong-un and Ri Sol-ju

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Canadian Becomes 12 Millionth White Person to Pretend to Like Baijiu

Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Canadian Becomes 12 Millionth White Person to Pretend to Like Baijiu

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Top 10 Cosplays of CommieCon 2013

Sunday, March 17, 2013
Top 10 Cosplays of CommieCon 2013

This year’s CommieCon, held in Beijing from March 5-17, was a smashing success! Thanks to all who came. There were some great panels and performances, but the highlight of the convention, of course, was the cosplay competition. Here are our top 10.

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Daniel Craig to Play Lei Feng in Franchise Reboot

Saturday, March 16, 2013
Daniel Craig Lei Feng Reboot

BEIJING — After the Nanjing premiere of Young Lei Feng failed to pull in a single moviegoer over Lei Feng Day weekend, the Ministry of Culture announced that they would be rebooting the failing Lei Feng franchise with an all-star, multimillion-dollar movie due out next year, Lei Feng: A Quantum of Socialism, starring Daniel Craig as the titular hero.

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