Xi Jinping Pulls All-Nighter to Finish NPC Work Report

Xi Jinping

BEIJING — An exhausted Xi Jinping was seen stumbling up the steps of the Great Hall of the People today, after pulling an all-nighter to finish the National People’s Congress Standing Committee work report on time.

Xi told journalists as he walked in that the report, which will be delivered this morning, would have taken him less time but he hadn’t done the assigned reading, which included “long and boring tracts” like Das Kapital and last year’s NPC Standing Committee work report.

Because of this, Xi had to “bullshit” large portions of the paper and didn’t have time to proofread it or append a bibliography before handing it in.

To get the work report to 18 pages, Xi widened the margins and changed the font to Courier New.

The final document came out to be 18 pages, two pages short of the page minimum. Xi admitted that to even get it to 18, he had widened the margins and changed the font to Courier New, size 16.

He also double-spaced the assignment when the instructions clearly said to single space. “Triple spacing would have gotten it to the page minimum, but it would have been too obvious,” he said.

Staffers who cleaned Xi’s office said that they found trash bags full of instant coffee, Cheetos and Monster energy drink cans.

One anonymous source within the NPC Standing Committee told reporters that usually the entire Standing Committee works together on the homework but this year Xi had done all the work while everyone else slacked off.

“Since governmental promotions are determined partly by peer evaluations, the other members of the Standing Committee threatened to give Xi bad reviews and prevent him from becoming president unless he completed the work report himself,” the source said.

“It sucks, because Wu Bangguo will probably just put his own name on it and take all the credit.”

The NPC will begin today as scheduled but China watchers worry that Xi, tired from a night of writing, will fall asleep during the session and fail the pop quiz.

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