Justin Bieber Announces China Tour after Securing “Shoot to Kill” PSB Protection
NEW YORK — Infantile pop princeling Justin Bieber announced through his publicist Monday that he would go ahead with a planned tour of the People’s Republic of China after receiving guarantees from the Ministry of Public Security that any invasion of Bieber’s privacy during the visit would be met with the use of “deadly force.”
After being jostled by reporters and fans during recent tour dates in London, treatment which resulted in an alleged breakdown, Bieber’s management redrafted the irritating Canadian star’s standard appearance agreement, placing the security of the blonde moppet above other priorities such as “providing a safe environment for fans” and a requirement that Bieber actually appear in person during concerts.
One controversial clause, seen as a knee-jerk response to Bieber’s being harassed by British reporters, was a guarantee that his assigned local security detail would fatally shoot any person who touched, addressed or attempted to interact with the singer outside of official “meet and greet” situations, which would henceforth only be limited to heads of state, other A-list celebrities, and Papal emissaries.
Bieber tweeted “worst birthday ever” after doormen refused entry to some of the star’s friends during a planned 19th birthday celebration at a London nightclub. His new contract calls for anyone who denies “the Biebs” entry to any building to be summarily executed by his handlers with extreme prejudice.
The changes to Bieber’s contract has led governments and tour organizers across the globe to cancel international tour dates, with Bieber forbidden to appear in the EU, U.S., Middle East or his native Canada.
One country which has, however, embraced the new requirements is China, with the Ministry of Public Security guaranteeing that “anyone who attempts unauthorized human contact with this talented, attractive and highly marketable foreign baby Justin Bieber will be shot dead by concealed Special Forces operatives.”
After receiving these assurances, Justin Bieber announced he would relocate his ongoing world tour to entirely within the Chinese border, and will make his first appearance at Beijing’s Wukesong Stadium, where he will perform a 15-minute set for 11 carefully-selected and police-screened “fans,” all of whom will be restrained by specially-designed harnesses for as long as Bieber is on stage.
Bieber’s publicist Kitty Tomlin told reporters that negotiations with the Chinese government and the Public Security Bureau went smoothly, despite an incident where a road manager attempted to offer Bieber a glass of juice and was shot in the head by Beijing PSB chief Liu Ruijun.
“Far from damage my confidence in their capability, this incident only served as evidence that the PSB take their work—protecting people who are better than everybody else—much more seriously than other so-called ‘police forces,'” Tomlin said.
“Not even Taylor Swift’s bodyguards are willing to blow a fan’s head off to prevent their charge from having to engage in casual human contact with her fans.”
At press time, North Korean authorities were in negotiations to provide Kim Jong-un’s favorite singer with his own personal nuclear deterrent during a scheduled appearance in Pyongyang.