Office Empties Before Boss Finishes Call Informing Staff He’s Sick

Sunday, April 28, 2013
Chinese office

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Thank You for Your Donations

Saturday, April 27, 2013
Guo Meimei

by Guo Meimei

Guo Meimei is the self-proclaimed general manager of the China Red Cross Commerce Department.

Hi there, by now you’ve seen the devastation caused by the earthquake in Ya’an. Hundreds are dead and thousands more injured.

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Eight Million Uyghurs Arrested in Connection with Xinjiang Attack

Thursday, April 25, 2013
Uyghur woman

BEIJING — The Ministry of State Security announced this morning that 8.4 million suspects, all of whom are Uyghur, have been detained in connection with the attack that killed 21 people in Xinjiang on Tuesday.

“We are confident that those responsible are now in custody,” said ministry spokeswoman Zhou Rong. “The citizens of Xinjiang can sleep soundly, knowing that every Uyghur in the province is behind bars.”

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Chinese Government Excited to Obfuscate Latest Tragedy

Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Li Keqiang in Sichuan

BEIJING – Following the earthquake in Sichuan which has left at least 184 dead, high-level sources within the Chinese government confirmed that they were excited to begin the campaign of dissembling and obfuscation in response to the latest tragedy.

“We’ve learned a lot since 2008,” one official said. “This time, we aim to more efficiently withhold information from the Chinese public.”

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“Fuck it,” Says Exhausted Obama, Before Nuking Pyongyang

Saturday, April 20, 2013
Photo © White House

WASHINGTON — After one of the most traumatic weeks of his presidency, with a terror attack in Boston, a lethal explosion in West, Texas and the ignominious defeat of a gun control bill, U.S. President Barack Obama launched part of the American nuclear missile array at North Korea Friday night, effectively destroying the entire country and drawing a line under the Kim dynasty.

In a video from the White House Crisis Room, broadcast on all U.S. television networks at 9:00 p.m. EST, the president, visibly haggard, addressed the nation before obliterating the tiny East Asian dictatorship.

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North Korea Begins Offering Tours of the Smoking Ruin of South Korea

Sunday, April 14, 2013
South Korea

SEOUL — In an act of further escalation, North Korea has announced that starting next week, it will begin running tours of the smoking ruin of South Korea.

On Saturday, the state tourism agency opened registration for five- and seven-day “Reunification Tours,” which cost twelve and fifteen goats, respectively, will take visitors around “territory freshly liberated by the supreme leader Kim Jong-un.”

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CCTV Mistakenly Runs Meryl Streep Obituary

Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Either Meryl Streep or Margaret Thatcher

BEIJING — China Central Television executives were left with egg on their faces Monday evening when they mistakenly announced the death of actress Meryl Streep, confusing her with recently deceased former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.

During the nightly 7 p.m. Xinwen Lianbo, anchor Wang Ning interrupted a report about how ethnic minorities love the People’s Liberation Army to make a sudden announcement.

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Shanghai Municipal Government Encourages Citizens to Become Vegans

Monday, April 8, 2013
Photo © AP

SHANGHAI — Desperate to avoid a public health crisis, the Shanghai municipal government has started encouraging its citizens to eat healthier, unveiling a new citywide awareness campaign entitled, “Go Vegan If You Want To Live™.”

Posters and billboards have gone up around the city depicting Shanghainese eschewing disease-ridden meat, fish and fowl, opting instead for fresh fruits and vegetables.

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Xi Jinping Finally Gets Around to Clearing Hu Jintao’s Desk

Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Hu Jintao's Desk

BEIJING — Returning to Beijing after touring Russia and Africa, President Xi Jinping finally got around to clearing the desk of predecessor Hu Jintao yesterday—a task the new Chinese head of state had reportedly been putting off since last November.

Arriving at 8 a.m. sharp at the luxuriously appointed presidential office in Beijing’s Zhongnanhai government compound, Xi was, according to sources, “disgusted” at the state in which his predecessor had left the workspace.

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Peng Liyuan Really Hoping Nobody Finds Her 1982 Playboy Photoshoot

Monday, April 1, 2013
Peng Liyuan

BEIJING — Following the embarrassing leak of a photograph of Peng Liyuan performing for troops involved in the 1989 military crackdown, sources close to China’s new first lady told reporters that she is hoping no one digs up her even more embarrassing 1982 Playboy pictorial.

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