Eight Million Uyghurs Arrested in Connection with Xinjiang Attack

Uyghur woman

BEIJING — The Ministry of State Security announced this morning that 8.4 million suspects, all of whom are Uyghur, have been detained in connection with the attack that killed 21 people in Xinjiang on Tuesday.

“We are confident that those responsible are now in custody,” said ministry spokeswoman Zhou Rong. “The citizens of Xinjiang can sleep soundly knowing that every Uyghur in the province is behind bars.”

Though evidence is still scant in the case, Zhou defended the ministry’s decision to imprison an entire ethnic group, saying, “This was not just a random act of violence or your run-of-the-mill racially-motivated killing—this was a premeditated attack by separatists with deep connections to underground terrorist networks, seeking to bring down the Chinese government and end human civilization as we know it.”

Although Zhou was not at liberty to divulge “evidence with regards to the attack” or “justification for these sweeping arrests,” she did admit that, after thorough analysis, “we have arrived at the conclusion that the entire Uyghur ethnic group must have been in on it.”

Though no terror attacks have been committed in the nine hours since the entire Uyghur population of Xinjiang was imprisoned, Han violence in the restive province has continued unabated.

“Well, there’s nothing we can do about that,” Zhou shrugged. “There just too many of them.”

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