Xi Jinping Issues Warrant for Daenerys Targaryen
JING’S LANDING — Almost 70 years after House Targaryen was defeated along with The Usurper Chiang Kai-shek during the Chinese Civil War, the Small Council of the Politburo has issued a warrant for the arrest of the youngest and only surviving heir to the last of the great houses, Daenerys Stormborn.
Speaking from the Iron Throne, Party Chairman Jinping of House Xi, First of his Name, King of the Han, the Huaxia and the First Peking Men, Lord of the Middle Kingdom and Protector of National Sovereignty declared that the news of Daenerys’ marriage to a Dothraki horselord, presided over in the Free City of Taipei by Magister Ma Ying-jeou, had “awakened a long-dormant threat to the Realm.”
“We have no choice but to bring the final spawn of the Targaryens, who was fostered at the bosom of Chiang, to the King’s incontrovertible justice.”
House Targaryen, one of the most powerful houses of the Old Kingdom of Easteros which fell to the rebellion of Mao the Merciless in 1949, has long been rumored to be plotting a return to the mainland, where many secretly pray for their restoration to power.
Since all of Mao’s heirs, including the dwarf Lord Xiaoping of House Deng, former Master of Coin, and Lord Jintao of House Hu, former Master of Whisperers, are rumored to be bastards, the family’s claim to the throne has long been in doubt.
Xi, the latest in the line of Mao to be anointed, is rumored to be the product of incest and deeply in debt to the Bank of Braavos. Even his strategic marriage to popular and graceful Lady Liyuan of House Peng has failed to secure his legacy.
Those in Jing’s Landing, the capital of Easteros, have a right to be anxious. They remember well the recent rebellion led by Lord Xilai of House Bo, who proclaimed himself King in the South.
Though Bo’s uprising was successfully quashed when Xi had his entire family massacred at the marriage ceremony of Ser Bo Guagua to Lady Margaery Tyrell, a tragedy known as the East is Red Wedding, the incident further undermined House Xi’s claim to the throne, as has his wife’s failure to produce a male heir.
Sources present at the small council meeting claim that Xi refused to confirm rumors that Daenerys Stormborn has successfully hatched three dragons’ eggs and is massing an army to cross the Taiwan Strait.
A government spokesman was unavailable for comment, as he was, at press time, balls-deep in a Lysene whore.