China Hails Birth of Single, Male Royal Baby

Prince William and Kate Middleton

LONDON — Hours after the birth of His Royal Highness Prince George of Cambridge, China’s ambassador to the UK, Liu Xiaoming, congratulated Prince William and Kate Middleton on their delivery of a “healthy, single, male child.”

“I would like to deliver my heartfelt best wishes to Prince William and Kate on the arrival of this male child, which has made their family complete and absolved them of any emotional or practical need to procreate further.”

“Parents on the Chinese mainland will identify strongly with the joy and sense of wholeness that comes with the birth of a single, male child,” Liu continued. “I wish Their Royal Highnesses all the happiness in the world, which is assured thanks to the presence of a penis between the legs of this lone infant.”

“Just imagine if it had been a girl!” he joked.

“Just imagine if it had been a girl!”

Embassy staff later delivered a traditional Chinese post-natal gift basket to Kensington Palace, containing a “Thank Heaven It’s a Boy!” helium balloon, a month’s supply of prophylactics and a voucher for a female sterilization procedure redeemable at any hospital on the Chinese mainland.

Crowds of mainland Chinese well-wishers crowded outside the London hospital where the royal heir was delivered, yelling congratulations alongside members of the British public.

Ministry of Health and Family Planning official and mother-of-one Wang Yulei, on vacation in London with her husband, bore a banner which read: “Kate, no longer a leftover woman!”

“The best part is, they lucked out on the first try!” Wang said. “It would have been awful if we’d been here celebrating a royal termination.”

According to inside sources, embassy staff spent the rest of the day speculating as to when the new baby would take his first steps into a managerial role at a British State-owned Enterprise.

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