August | 2013 | Ministry of Harmony

I Didn’t Gang-Rape That Girl—She Gang-Raped Me

Saturday, August 31, 2013

by Li Tianyi

My name is Li Tianyi.

Most of you probably think I’m some young fuerdai punk with a pretty face and a smooth contralto. And many of you probably hope that I’ll be found guilty and spend a good chunk of my life in jail.

But I have something to confess. Something I’m not proud of—something so awful and shocking that it defies human understanding: I did not gang-rape that girl. In fact, she gang-raped me.

Yahoo Shuts Down Email Service in China

Friday, August 23, 2013

Yahoo has phased out its email service in China. The company is asking users to transfer their accounts to Alibaba’s Alimail platform, in which they have a stake. Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.

Zhang Yimou to Direct Hotly Anticipated Bo Xilai Trial

Thursday, August 22, 2013

BEIJING — After weeks of speculation, the Judicial Entertainment Department of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China announced that Zhang Yimou has agreed to direct the long-awaited trial of disgraced Chongqing party chief and former Politburo member Bo Xilai.

The famed impresario pledged to make the trial “a star-studded extravaganza showcasing the very best in extralegal obfuscation.”

The Right Way to Kill Your Citizens

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The Communist Party of China strongly condemns the ineptitude which with the indiscriminate slaughter of civilians is being carried out in Egypt.

As a fellow civilization-state with a long and splendid history of repression and totalitarianism, it saddens us to see Egypt bungle this attempt at massacring its own citizens. Indeed, the events currently unfolding in Egypt are an embarrassment to dictatorial regimes everywhere.

Party Official Ordered to Dismantle Partially-Constructed Volcano Lair

Monday, August 19, 2013

Kangaroos Being Assembled for Bo Xilai Trial

Thursday, August 8, 2013

BEIJING — Kangaroos from across the country are currently being herded to serve as jurists for the upcoming trial of former Chongqing party secretary Bo Xilai.

In accordance with Communist Party guidelines, if Bo pleads not guilty to charges of accepting bribes, corruption and abuse of power, it will be up to the jury of 12 marsupials to determine his guilt.