Kangaroos Being Assembled for Bo Xilai Trial
BEIJING — Kangaroos from across the country are currently being herded to serve as jurists for the upcoming trial of former Chongqing party secretary Bo Xilai.
In accordance with Communist Party guidelines, if Bo pleads not guilty to charges of accepting bribes, corruption and abuse of power, it will be up to the jury of 12 marsupials to determine his guilt.
President of the Supreme People’s Court Zhou Qiang has promised that, “even in the face of his egregious crimes, Bo will receive a fair and impartial trial.”
“These kangaroos know what they’re doing,” he added.
But not all those involved in the case believe the jurists will be impartial.
Gao Hailin, a professor of law at Renmin University, says that marsupials have a strong precedent of returning guilty verdicts in cases that go to trial.
“And not just kangaroos—opossums and bandicoots too,” Gao said. “It’s almost like they resent being dragged out of the zoo and put on jury duty.”
Faced with this possibility, Bo is expected to plead guilty.
“If Bo goes to trial, he’ll have to face up to his crimes and air his dirty laundry before a disillusioned public, not to mention raise questions about the legitimacy of the Communist Party,” said Gao.
“But most of all, he’ll have to answer to the kangaroos.”