The Right Way to Kill Your Citizens

Photo © AP

From the Office of the Central Politburo of the Communist Party of China.

The Communist Party of China strongly condemns the ineptitude which with the indiscriminate slaughter of civilians is being carried out in Egypt.

As a fellow civilization-state with a long and splendid history of repression and totalitarianism, it saddens us to see Egypt bungle this attempt at massacring its own citizens. Indeed, the events currently unfolding in Egypt are an embarrassment to dictatorial regimes everywhere.

The following is a list of what the regime is doing wrong:

1. You’re taking too long.

Brevity is the key to a successful massacre. Think of your favorite military massacres—Boston, My Lai, Tiananmen—the ones you want to emulate. Notice that they’re over in a day. The last thing you want is for a massacre to lose focus and turn into a drawn-out crackdown or a protracted civil war, à la Syria.

But who knows, maybe that’s what you’re going for. Continued, low-level violence has been shown to bore the global community, which will eventually write you off, allowing you to kill as many citizens as you’d like, à la Syria.

2. You haven’t shut off Internet or cell phone service.

What are you thinking? Videos of tanks blocking the streets and soldiers firing into crowds are still finding their way to YouTube. Reporters are still filing stories. Parents are still calling their children to see if they’re alive. How can you allow these atrocities to continue?

3. People still have hope.

That protesters are still out there fighting means that you have failed to snuff out their hope for change. Perhaps they believe they can win; perhaps they believe you will stop killing them. Either way, you must end these fantasies as soon as possible.

It really makes us wonder, are you killing enough students? Not to give too much away but it’s worked for us in the past. Killing students sends a strong message: that you have no bottom line and will do anything to protect your power. After people realize that your regime is the very embodiment of evil with no hope of redemption, things usually settle down.

4. Find and punish those who orchestrated and supported the protests.

But even when your citizens lose all hope, your job isn’t over. To show that your regime will not tolerate any further dissent, severely punish those who defied your orders. Make examples of them. Use your vast intelligence apparatus to pinpoint the leaders of the resistance and detain them. Failing that, make life hell for them and their families until they seek asylum in the United States where they will promptly be forgotten.

You must also punish those within your own ranks. Find whoever was against shooting the protesters and put them in house arrest for the rest of their lives. Do not allow them to slip memoirs out through a messenger. We learned that the hard way.

The CPC sincerely hopes that Egypt will accept our advice and conduct future massacres in a more efficient and timely manner. The sooner the violence ends, the sooner you can get back to rebuilding the grand pyramid of corruption that we call the government.


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