New Tell-All Jeremy Lin Documentary Lifts Lid on World’s Dullest Sports Legend

Jeremy Lin

LOS ANGELES — After releasing teaser trailers featuring some of Chinese-American basketball superstar Jeremy Lin’s most spellbinding moments, the directors of Linsanity told reporters that the full cut would feature a whole 18 seconds of content unrelated to basketball, detailing Lin’s vacuous off-court life and drab excuse for a personality.

Famous for his fleet-footed self control and utter command of the court, Jeremy Lin’s sudden explosion onto the American sports scene saw an unprecedented wave of support for this unlikely NBA All-Star, particularly from people of Chinese descent worldwide, who quickly took Lin to their hearts, a movement dubbed “Linsanity” by the press.

While Lin’s basketball prowess is already the stuff of legend, his quotidian home life and inconsequential personal beliefs have remained shrouded in mystery—until now. Director Evan Leong obtained unrestricted access to Lin over a period of months and has promised to lift the lid on this icon’s practically nonexistent and limb-gnawingly average private life.

“Two parents, school, piano lessons—you never know what to expect!”

“From eating breakfast, to training, to eating lunch, to more training, to dinner and bed at 9:30 pm, Lin is full of surprises,” Leong said in a recent Rolling Stone interview. “And that’s before you start exploring his family background. Two parents, school, piano lessons—you never know what to expect!”

Aside from 18 seconds of footage not featuring either basketball or basketball training, Leong also has promised a “tell-all” interview about Lin’s ongoing virginity, his completely normal relationship with his parents, his predictably uninteresting religious views and his fondness for cookies, nondescript music and appropriate amounts of sleep.

Leong believes that even those with no interest in seeing a re-edited highlight reel of Lin’s best moments on the court will learn a lot about the dull and utterly lifeless person behind the sporting legend through his documentary.

“Even if Lin’s complete lack of a sense of humor or any on-camera charisma don’t float your boat, ladies, you can just sit back and drink in his completely average looks,” added Leong.

Linsanity will be released somewhere at some point.

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