China Grants Xinjiang Independence Following Beijing Car Bombing
BEIJING — In the wake of Monday’s devastating suicide attack in Tiananmen, which left five dead and over 30 injured, the Central Military Commission of the People’s Liberation Army announced their immediate withdrawal from the former province of Xinjiang, declaring that the region would henceforth be known as the Independent Islamic Republic of East Turkestan.
On Tuesday morning, the Politburo Standing Committee of the Communist Party of China issued an executive order calling for all PLA troops stationed in the region to lay down their arms.
In Urumqi, General Yang Luo formally presented terms of China’s unconditional surrender to rebel leader Youssef Kadeer, whose forces number in the hundreds. In exchange, Chinese soldiers were granted safe passage across the border.
Xi Jinping, former ruler of the newly-independent state, told assembled dignitaries in the Great Hall of the People that China “must endure the unendurable,” and “surrender before the incalculable might of the East Turkestan’s new and most cruel SUV weapon.”
“Should we continue to fight, it would result in the ultimate collapse and obliteration of the Chinese nation,” he continued. “Our country simply cannot absorb these kinds of casualties.”
Xi concluded that “the soldiers of East Turkestan have proven their might and righteousness by striking deep into the heart of our nation’s capital. We can only hope that the leaders of this great nation will be merciful.”
Guards in Inner Mongolia, Qinghai and Gansu provinces, stationed at new security checkpoints on the border with East Turkestan, reported a stream of APCs, tanks and mobile SAMs leaving the former province, followed by several million ethnic Chinese refugees hoping to resettle in the People’s Republic.
“I pray the East Turkestanis don’t invade China in retaliation for decades of oppression,” said refugee Ma Jianjun, former manager of the Urumqi Hilton, from atop his family’s donkey cart.
“I don’t see how the Chinese military can stand up to a combined force of dozens of Islamic militants.”
While Chinese officials watched anxiously from Beijing, Youssef Kadeer, the inaugural president of East Turkestan, called a press conference where he promised his new regime would “honor central Asian tradition” by transitioning the country from a Communist military dictatorship to a feckless, impoverished pseudo-republic marred by corruption and human rights abuses.
“It’s what the people of East Turkestan expect,” he said. “And we intend to deliver freedom and justice to all.”
“Except women, of course,” he added. “And gays.”