Jade Rabbit Tramples American Flag with Last Ounce of Strength

Jade Rabbit

BEIJING — According to photographs released by the China National Space Administration, Chinese lunar rover Jade Rabbit succeeded in trampling one of the American flags left on the moon, shortly before it malfunctioned.

In a Xinhua article written from the perspective of the dying rover, Jade Rabbit confessed, “I am come face to face with death. It is possible I will not survive this night. But before my soul shuttles off to the great beyond, I shall see these stars and stripes ground to dust!”

Indeed, the final minutes of footage from the rover’s onboard camera show it purposefully toppling the American flag, driving over it, then backing up and driving over it again.

“Had I hands, I would tear this emblem of capitalist excess to shreds.”

“Had I hands,” the rover continued, “I would tear this emblem of capitalist excess to shreds.”

State media printed obituaries of the rover, celebrating its “selfless final act” and hailing it as a national hero. Television anchors offered paeans to the fallen vehicle, with CCTV’s Yang Rui calling it “the greatest patriot since Lei Feng and the greatest machine since the cotton gin.”

In its emotional letter, Jade Rabbit expressed regret for not possessing the strength to tear down the four remaining American flags.

“How I wish I could have trampled those other banners,” it mused. “But I must leave that to future generations.”

Toward the end of its missive, the rover’s bravado turned to introspection as it bid the world farewell.

“I am in my own adventure story, and like any protagonist, I encountered a problem. Goodnight, Earth. Goodnight, humans. Goodbye, America. I’ll see you in hell.”

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