New Mother Vows to Give Daughter 8 or 9 Years of Childhood

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BEIJING — After giving birth on Wednesday, local woman Chen Chen told reporters she was looking forward to giving her daughter everything she never had as a child, starting with “a few good years of childhood.”

She professed that nothing would be too good for the latest addition to the family and that her daughter could expect to live in a loving environment of fun and learning for her formative years, and would only “have her spirit crushed when it’s absolutely unavoidable.”

For his part, Chen’s husband planned to wait until their daughter’s eighth birthday before foisting three generations worth of expectations onto her, in accordance with Chinese traditions which dictate that parents must use psychological pressure and the pretense of meeting societal expectations to create an insurmountable emotional burden to be borne by their children until their dying day.

Chen has vowed not to compel her daughter to excel at a musical instrument until at least sixth grade.

Chen’s newborn daughter, nicknamed Pangpang, is indicative of a new trend which sees Chinese parents protecting their children from the inevitable and soul-destroying weight of familial responsibility until they are in high school.

Despite opposition from older members of her family, Chen has vowed not to compel her daughter to study after bedtime, excel at a musical instrument or starve herself to attract a decent mate until at least sixth grade.

Instead, Chen told reporters, she would allow her daughter to play with other children, take up hobbies she’s interested in and treat school as something to be enjoyed, only compelling her to forego friendship, abandon her interests and devote every breath to narrow academic achievement once she has left elementary education.

Chen’s radical decision has been hailed by feminists, including activist Li Weiwei, as a “milestone for both gender equality and children’s rights in China.”

“In the old days, girls would have to start helping with chores, beautifying themselves and securing their marriage prospects when they could barely walk,” Li said. “Now, thanks to social progress, many girls can live nearly a decade before they are forced to mature into conniving, materialistic beacons of self-interest who hunt voraciously for husbands like money-house-and-car-seeking smart missiles.”

“At this rate, China might be able to guarantee a carefree childhood for every citizen by the year 3000,” she added.

But Chen doesn’t see herself as an iconoclast.

“I’m just trying to do right by my child,” she remarked while feeding Pangpang imported baby formula.

“I really believe my daughter deserves the best start in life, before becoming a vessel for all our unfulfilled ambitions.”

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