The Chinese Are the Cause of All the World’s Problems and I Have a Tiny Penis

Clive Palmerby Clive Palmer

Clive Palmer is an Australian businessman and the leader of the Palmer United Party.

Dear reader, by now you’re probably aware of my little bust-up with our slanty-eyed friends to the north.

A state-owned company refused to pay royalties so I called the entire country “bastards” and “mongrels.” Fair dinkum, as we Aussies say.

Surprisingly, the Chinese embassy in Canberra retaliated, saying I was “full of ignorance and prejudice,” while Foreign Minister Julie Bishop apologized to the Chinks on my behalf. Even fellow racist and Prime Minister Tony Abbott called my comments “shrill and wrong.”

Well, if I’m a bigot, then I suppose I’m a bigot. But that doesn’t change the fact that the Chinese are the cause of all the world’s ills. And I have a tiny penis.

Maybe my penis has simply retracted into my body, I don’t know.

Look at their track record—tens of millions perish during the Great Leap Forward as their compatriots stand aside and allow the government to run roughshod over them.

Millions more are killed or tortured during the Cultural Revolution. And then, the coup de grace, in 1989 the government machine guns its own people just to stay in power. Seriously, my penis is minuscule.

Now the country is using its economic might to bully other countries into doing whatever it wants. Well, I won’t stand for it. I demand justice, fairness and help finding my penis beneath my enormous gut. I haven’t been able to locate it for years.

I merely voiced what millions across the globe are already thinking: that China can’t be trusted. But sometimes I wonder if I even have a penis anymore.

Those yellow crooks is a threat to democracy, a threat to Asian stability, and a threat to humanity. Maybe my penis has simply retracted into my body, I don’t know.

The Chinese have swarmed into our land like a plague of cane toads. Once they have drained Australia of its natural resources, they will turn their rapacious appetite to the rest of the world—perhaps India or Africa.

Perhaps the Chinese will tap South America even more than it already has—draining its oil, metal and gas reserves to further fuel its military and economic development. Perhaps tiny penises run in my family.

The world needs men like me, men who aren’t afraid to stand up to bullies. The world needs strength and truth.


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