How Are We Spending Chinese New Year?

Weeping in holding cell of Southeast Asian airport — 12%

Pretending to be married, for our parents’ sake — 30%

Hosting CCTV New Year’s Gala — 10%

Choking on coin hidden in dumpling — 23%

Quietly, with wife, in-laws and undeclared additional children — 19%

Awaiting autopsy results in local hospital’s burn unit — 6%