Thanksgiving Party Ruined After Expat Woman Declares Attraction to Chinese Men

Friday, November 29, 2013
Thanksgiving party

BEIJING — A Thanksgiving potluck organized by American expatriate Madison Wellesley at her Shunyi home was “irretrievably ruined” Thursday after a white female guest suddenly admitted her attraction to Chinese men.

According to traumatized guests, newly arrived English teacher Jessica Morris blithely revealed her preference for Asian men during what eyewitnesses described as a “completely innocent” postprandial discussion about sexual attraction.

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Tourist at Silk Market Gets “Special Price, Just for Him”

Friday, November 15, 2013
Carl Henderson

BEIJING — When Carl Henderson heard a merchant at Beijing’s Silk Market offer him a “special price, just for him,” he couldn’t believe his luck.

“I turned around, thinking he must have been talking to someone else,” he told reporters. “But no, he was talking to me.”

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“Pleasant Goat” to Retain Scene Where Pretty Goat is Raped by Japanese Soldiers

Monday, October 21, 2013
Pretty Goat

SHANGHAI — All Chinese domestic satellite channels have pulled popular children’s cartoon Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf off the air after censors voiced concerns over the level of violence in the show. Officials at the State Administration of Press, Publication, Radio, Film and Television (SARFT) announced that they would allow the show to come back if scenes depicting the show’s antagonists, Big Big Wolf and his wife, being variously drowned, shot at, tortured, boiled in oil and electrocuted were toned down.

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Ancient Monuments Discovered Beneath Golden Week Tourists

Monday, October 7, 2013
Chinese tourists

BEIJING — The Ministry of Culture announced Monday that at least a dozen spectacular ancient monuments have been discovered during Golden Week, after having lain buried for decades beneath a sizable chunk of the national population.

The first such discovery, a section of the Great Wall located near Shijiazhuang, was found in an area only previously known for its teeming hordes of camera-wielding Chinese tourists. The existence of ancient fortifications beneath the waves of rowdy travelers had previously been dismissed by archeologists as a local legend.

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New Tell-All Jeremy Lin Documentary Lifts Lid on World’s Dullest Sports Legend

Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Jeremy Lin

LOS ANGELES — After releasing teaser trailers featuring some of Chinese-American basketball superstar Jeremy Lin’s most spellbinding moments, the directors of Linsanity told reporters that the full cut would feature a whole 18 seconds of content unrelated to basketball, detailing Lin’s vacuous off-court life and drab excuse for a personality.

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Zhang Yimou to Direct Hotly Anticipated Bo Xilai Trial

Thursday, August 22, 2013
Photo © Reuters

BEIJING — After weeks of speculation, the Judicial Entertainment Department of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China announced that Zhang Yimou has agreed to direct the long-awaited trial of disgraced Chongqing party chief and former Politburo member Bo Xilai.

The famed impresario pledged to make the trial “a star-studded extravaganza showcasing the very best in extralegal obfuscation.”

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I’m Concerned about the Declining Quality of TED Talks

Monday, July 8, 2013
Photo © James Duncan Davidson

by Eric X. Li

I’ve been a fan of the TED conference since its inception and believe it to be a powerful platform to share potentially world-changing ideas with a mass audience. Which is why I was so ambivalent when organizers asked me to speak at TEDGlobal 2013.

On the one hand, I was honored to be among the roster of accomplished speakers but, on the other hand, I wondered about the respectability of a conference that failed to see through my cheap, nationalistic delusions and low-level sophistry.

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Zhang Yimou Might Have Seven Children

Friday, May 10, 2013

Authorities are investigating reports that director Zhang Yimou has seven children, in violation of family planning policy, which could result in a 160 million yuan fine. Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.

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Fan Bingbing Confirmed to Star in Iron Man 4

Saturday, May 4, 2013
Fan Bingbing

LOS ANGELES — Following her captivating two-minute appearance in Iron Man 3, Marvel Studios announced that Fan Bingbing has signed on to reprise her role as “Dr. Wu’s Wife” in Iron Man 4, the next installment of the billion dollar superhero franchise.

“To be honest, we weren’t expecting much from the China-specific scenes,” said producer Kevin Feige. “But her unforgettable performance as Dr. Wu’s Wife really convinced us that this was a character we needed to explore in subsequent films.”

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Justin Bieber Announces China Tour after Securing “Shoot to Kill” PSB Protection

Friday, March 29, 2013
Justin Bieber

NEW YORK — Infantile pop princeling Justin Bieber announced through his publicist Monday that he would go ahead with a planned tour of the People’s Republic of China after receiving guarantees from the Ministry of Public Security that any invasion of Bieber’s privacy during the visit would be met with the use of “deadly force.”

After being jostled by reporters and fans during recent tour dates in London, treatment which resulted in an alleged breakdown, Bieber’s management redrafted the irritating Canadian star’s standard appearance agreement, placing the security of the blonde moppet above other priorities such as “providing a safe environment for fans” and a requirement that Bieber actually appear in person during concerts.

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