Friday, November 16, 2012
BEIJING — According to inside sources, top leaders of the Communist Party originally planned for the Politburo Standing Committee to be comprised of eight members instead of seven, with Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney rounding out the list.
Internal memos reveal that shortly after Romney’s devastating loss last Wednesday, his aides reached out to the CCP to see if they had any openings, saying the former Massachusetts governor was now looking for a job, preferably one far, far away from America.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
BEIJING — Having almost made it through the grueling, sleep-inducing five-day conference, former president Jiang Zemin seemingly lost control of his bowels on this, the final day of the 18th National Congress.
According to a high-ranking official seated next to Jiang (pictured above), the aging politician “let one fly” during a speech by president-in-waiting Xi Jinping, only it was “wetter than expected.”
Sunday, November 11, 2012
BEIJING — Chinese president-in-waiting Xi Jinping today ejected what appeared to be an unkempt version of himself from the floor of the 18th National Congress. The sponge-faced politician was seen scuffling with himself for several minutes before finally convincing bemused security guards to escort his assailant from the premises.
“About halfway through the meeting, there was this flash of blue light, and suddenly there were two Xi Jinpings standing by the hot water machine,” an official present at the time revealed. “The new Xi, or Xi II, looked older, and was completely naked apart from a makeshift loincloth.”
Saturday, November 10, 2012
BEIJING — China’s top scientists are studying the soporific effects of Hu Jintao’s speech to the 18th National Congress on Thursday, after the Chinese President managed to lull all 2268 delegates to sleep within minutes of opening his mouth.
“It seems that something about the endless droning of President Hu reading meaningless, pseudo-Marxist babble from a stack of papers sends people right to REM sleep,” said Zhang Xiuji, a researcher with the China Academy of Sciences.
Friday, November 9, 2012
With all polls closed and 83% of precincts reporting, Ministry of Harmony is projecting Xi Jinping (C) to be the winner of the 2012 Election for General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China.
Xi was the clear favorite as early voting results came in from the eastern provinces and steadily added to his lead throughout the night. At the moment, Xi stands to sweep the election, becoming the third candidate, after Jiang Zemin and Hu Jintao, to do so, with all 2270 delegates to the National Congress (including the two who are deceased but mailed in absentee ballots) casting their vote for the incumbent Vice President.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
9:00 – 10:00 AM — New members icebreaker, trust-building exercises.
10:00 – 10:01 AM — Moment of silence for late chairman Mao Zedong.
10:01 – 11:00 AM — Assign new identities, fake mustaches to Party members convicted of crimes or misconduct.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
BEIJING — With only days to go before the Communist Party unveils China’s next generation of paramount leaders, its incoming members are steeling themselves for the customary slew of hazing rituals that await them.
It’s well known that during the National Congress, any senior Party member can ask a more junior member to take a shot at any time and at night the freshman are forced to play limp biscuit, but perhaps no tradition is as revered as the “Great Hazing.”
Monday, November 5, 2012
BEIJING — With only two weeks to go until a major leadership transition amid a downturn in the economy, the expulsion of populist politician Bo Xilai and ongoing public crises of confidence in its continued ability to govern, the Chinese Communist Party’s Central Committee sheepishly announced to reporters Tuesday that it has no idea where it has left the Mandate of Heaven, the document which has been the sole guarantor of state power in China since the Warring States period.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
BEIJING — Through a harshly-worded statement issued by their lawyer, the Wen family responded to allegations of hidden wealth in a recent New York Times article, calling the piece farcical and criticizing the paper for grossly under-reporting the family’s ill-gotten gains.
Monday, October 29, 2012
BEIJING — Americans aren’t the only ones disillusioned by the vitriolic presidential race this year. New research shows that a large number of Chinese citizens who previously supported democratic reforms are now questioning the intelligence of a system that allows politicians to spend nearly two years trying to become president instead of doing the jobs for which they were elected.
According to a recent Pew Research Center poll, the number of Chinese who said they admire American-style democracy declined by 64% since the beginning of the 2012 campaign season, with the sharpest drop during the Republican primaries.