If I Had to Poison My Roommate, I’d Definitely Go with Thallium

Monday, May 13, 2013
Zhu Ling

by Sun Wei

When it comes to poisoning someone you know, we face a plethora of options.

In recent days, we’ve seen a student at Fudan University kill his roommate by slipping N-Nitrosodimethylamine into the room’s water dispenser.

We’ve also seen the head of a kindergarten inject tetramine, a strong rat poison, into yogurt which killed two young girls at a rival school.

Those aren’t bad choices. But if, hypothetically, I had to poison someone, I’d probably go with thallium.

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What the “Chinese Dream” Means to Me

Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Photo © UPI

by Xi Jinping

Recently, there’s been a lot of talk about what the term “Chinese Dream” actually means.

Is it a revival of Chinese culture? Reclaiming China’s rightful place at the forefront of history? Or is it just a hollow catchphrase Tom Friedman and I settled on after a long night of word association and binge drinking?

Well, I don’t quite remember so let me put it like this: the Chinese Dream is like the Matrix—unfortunately, no one can be told what it is.

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Thank You for Your Donations

Saturday, April 27, 2013
Guo Meimei

by Guo Meimei

Guo Meimei is the self-proclaimed general manager of the China Red Cross Commerce Department.

Hi there, by now you’ve seen the devastation caused by the earthquake in Ya’an. Hundreds are dead and thousands more injured.

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Let Us Choose the Next Guy

Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Pope Benedict XVI

From the office of the Secretariat of the Communist Party of China Central Committee.

Venerable Brothers of the Catholic Church,

We hear you have a quitter on your hands. Wait, we aren’t here to poke fun. We’ve been having trouble with one of ours as well. They just don’t make bishops like they used to.

Therefore, we humbly propose that you allow us, the Communist Party of China, to assist you in selecting the next Bishop of Rome.

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Communist Party of China Sick and Tired of You Bringing Up the Chinese Constitution

Friday, January 11, 2013
Flag of the Communist Party of China

From the Office of the Secretariat of the Communist Party of China Central Committee

Dear citizens of China,

Since the Southern Weekly incident, we have seen, and subsequently deleted, an inordinate amount of references to the Chinese Constitution, specifically Article 35 which reads: “Citizens of the People’s Republic of China enjoy freedom of speech, of the press, of assembly, of association, of procession and of demonstration.”

Frankly, we are sick and tired of you bringing up the Chinese Constitution every time we violate one of its edicts. Don’t you think we know what’s in there? We wrote the thing for Christ’s sake.

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Bo Guagua: My #1 Dad

Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The Fam

by Bo Guagua

When I was young, my father used to take me on trips around China. During a trip to Xi’an, I wandered off and found myself lost in the crowd of tourists. My dad found me half an hour later, crying next to a trash can. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me and I’ll never forget what he said.

“Guagua,” he told me. “I love you so much. I would kill every single one of these people—every single one of them—if it meant keeping you safe.” That’s when I knew I had the best father in the world.

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