Let Us Choose the Next Guy

Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Pope Benedict XVI

From the office of the Secretariat of the Communist Party of China Central Committee.

Venerable Brothers of the Catholic Church,

We hear you have a quitter on your hands. Wait, we aren’t here to poke fun. We’ve been having trouble with one of ours as well. They just don’t make bishops like they used to.

Therefore, we humbly propose that you allow us, the Communist Party of China, to assist you in selecting the next Bishop of Rome.

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Communist Party of China Sick and Tired of You Bringing Up the Chinese Constitution

Friday, January 11, 2013
Flag of the Communist Party of China

From the Office of the Secretariat of the Communist Party of China Central Committee

Dear citizens of China,

Since the Southern Weekly incident, we have seen, and subsequently deleted, an inordinate amount of references to the Chinese Constitution, specifically Article 35 which reads: “Citizens of the People’s Republic of China enjoy freedom of speech, of the press, of assembly, of association, of procession and of demonstration.”

Frankly, we are sick and tired of you bringing up the Chinese Constitution every time we violate one of its edicts. Don’t you think we know what’s in there? We wrote the thing for Christ’s sake.

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Bo Guagua: My #1 Dad

Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The Fam

by Bo Guagua

When I was young, my father used to take me on trips around China. During a trip to Xi’an, I wandered off and found myself lost in the crowd of tourists. My dad found me half an hour later, crying next to a trash can. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me and I’ll never forget what he said.

“Guagua,” he told me. “I love you so much. I would kill every single one of these people—every single one of them—if it meant keeping you safe.” That’s when I knew I had the best father in the world.

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