Wang Qishan Determined to Break This Motherfucker

Thursday, February 13, 2014
Wang Qishan

BEIJING — As his interrogation of disgraced official Zhou Yongkang entered its third day, Wang Qishan, Secretary of the Central Commission for Discipline Inspection, told colleagues that he wouldn’t sleep until he had “broken this motherfucker.”

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Death Eaters Resent Comparison to Communist Party

Thursday, January 9, 2014
Death Eaters

LONDON — Speaking from Azkaban Prison, the remnants of the Death Eater movement told the wizarding world that they objected to the recent op-ed by Japan’s ambassador to the United Kingdom, which compared them and their fallen master, the late Lord Voldemort, to the Communist Party of China.

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Jimmy Kimmel to Replace Gary Locke as U.S. Ambassador to China

Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Jimmy Kimmel

WASHINGTON, D.C. — U.S. President Barack Obama announced Friday that, after careful deliberation, he has decided to nominate comedian Jimmy Kimmel to replace the outgoing Gary Locke as U.S. Ambassador to China.

Speaking to reporters in the White House Rose Garden, Obama praised Kimmel’s “nuanced understanding of China-related issues,” and his “ironic and edgy sense of humor, which will prove popular with the Chinese.”

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Top 10 Moments of Gary Locke’s Tenure

Sunday, November 24, 2013
Gary Locke

U.S. Ambassador to China Gary Locke announced last week that he would step down in early 2014, after two and a half years in office. Here are the top 10 moments of his tenure.

  • Aug 2011 — Impresses Chinese public by personally screaming at Starbucks barista.
  • Sep 2011 — Maintains post after Jon Huntsman calls “backsies” on the ambassadorship.
  • Dec 2011 — The Locke family stages production of A Christmas Carol for an audience of Chinese orphans.

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Reforms from the Third Plenum of the CPC Central Committee

Wednesday, November 6, 2013
CPC plenum

The third plenum of the CPC Central Committee is set to take place from 9-12 November and forecasters are expecting significant changes in China’s economic policy. Here are some reforms the plenum is expected to enact:

  • Value of RMB to be determined daily by random number generator
  • Clearer legal definition of haves, have nots
  • Put country behind paywall

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Xi Jinping Delivers Two-Hour Speech Consisting Entirely of the Word “China”

Monday, November 4, 2013
Xi Jinping

BEIJING — After returning from his tour of Southeast Asia, President Xi Jinping used his first official engagement at the Great Hall of the People to deliver a rousing speech consisting entirely of the word “China.”

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China Grants Xinjiang Independence Following Beijing Car Bombing

Thursday, October 31, 2013
Flag of the Independent Islamic Republic of East Turkestan

BEIJING — In the wake of Monday’s devastating suicide attack in Tiananmen, which left five dead and over 30 injured, the Central Military Commission of the People’s Liberation Army announced their immediate withdrawal from the former province of Xinjiang, declaring that the region would henceforth be known as the Independent Islamic Republic of East Turkestan.

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Xi Jinping No Longer Swiftly Replying to Barack Obama’s Text Messages

Thursday, September 19, 2013
Photo © Getty Images

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what is being described as a clear indication of shifting global power dynamics, Chinese President Xi Jinping has reportedly stopped replying to U.S. President Barack Obama’s text messages in a timely fashion, and sometimes does not reply at all.

Sources close to President Obama say he checks his phone obsessively for a courteous, albeit hours-late reply from his Chinese counterpart.

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Zhang Yimou to Direct Hotly Anticipated Bo Xilai Trial

Thursday, August 22, 2013
Photo © Reuters

BEIJING — After weeks of speculation, the Judicial Entertainment Department of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China announced that Zhang Yimou has agreed to direct the long-awaited trial of disgraced Chongqing party chief and former Politburo member Bo Xilai.

The famed impresario pledged to make the trial “a star-studded extravaganza showcasing the very best in extralegal obfuscation.”

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The Right Way to Kill Your Citizens

Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Photo © AP

The Communist Party of China strongly condemns the ineptitude which with the indiscriminate slaughter of civilians is being carried out in Egypt.

As a fellow civilization-state with a long and splendid history of repression and totalitarianism, it saddens us to see Egypt bungle this attempt at massacring its own citizens. Indeed, the events currently unfolding in Egypt are an embarrassment to dictatorial regimes everywhere.

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