Kangaroos Being Assembled for Bo Xilai Trial

Thursday, August 8, 2013
Photo © Reuters

BEIJING — Kangaroos from across the country are currently being herded to serve as jurists for the upcoming trial of former Chongqing party secretary Bo Xilai.

In accordance with Communist Party guidelines, if Bo pleads not guilty to charges of accepting bribes, corruption and abuse of power, it will be up to the jury of 12 marsupials to determine his guilt.

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Xi Jinping Issues Warrant for Daenerys Targaryen

Friday, July 19, 2013
Xi and Daenerys

JING’S LANDING — Almost 70 years after House Targaryen was defeated along with The Usurper Chiang Kai-shek during the Chinese Civil War, the Small Council of the Politburo…

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Xi Jinping Finally Gets Around to Clearing Hu Jintao’s Desk

Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Hu Jintao's Desk

BEIJING — Returning to Beijing after touring Russia and Africa, President Xi Jinping finally got around to clearing the desk of predecessor Hu Jintao yesterday—a task the new Chinese head of state had reportedly been putting off since last November.

Arriving at 8 a.m. sharp at the luxuriously appointed presidential office in Beijing’s Zhongnanhai government compound, Xi was, according to sources, “disgusted” at the state in which his predecessor had left the workspace.

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Plutocrat, Mafioso Engage in Mutual Back-slapping

Saturday, March 23, 2013
Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin

MOSCOW — An autocrat and a mafioso met in the capital of the world’s largest protection racket yesterday to congratulate one another on their recent undemocratic and iron-fisted seizures of power, lording it over the common man with utter impunity.

Both men also high-fived over their shared sense of admiration that, in an increasingly democratic and free world, they could continue to trample the working class while simultaneously cultivate a benign and streetwise image through their corrupt and uncontested control of their territories’ respective media outlets.

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Top 10 Cosplays of CommieCon 2013

Sunday, March 17, 2013
Top 10 Cosplays of CommieCon 2013

This year’s CommieCon, held in Beijing from March 5-17, was a smashing success! Thanks to all who came. There were some great panels and performances, but the highlight of the convention, of course, was the cosplay competition. Here are our top 10.

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Shortage of Rubber Stamps Threatens to Derail National People’s Congress

Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Deputy at National People's Congress

BEIJING — After a smooth and successful first week, the National People’s Congress could be derailed by a sudden shortage in the supply of rubber stamps. According to official sources, a freighter carrying rubber stamps made specifically for congress use has capsized in the Bohai Sea, threatening to disrupt the brisk pace of the meetings.

Deputies are concerned that without those stamps, they will not be able to silently acquiesce to predetermined policy decisions as efficiently.

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United Front Stages Unprecedented Filibuster at National People’s Congress

Saturday, March 9, 2013
National People's Congress

BEIJING — Emboldened by U.S. Senate Republicans, deputies from the United Front, a coalition of minor Chinese democratic parties, staged an unprecedented filibuster at the National People’s Congress Thursday morning to delay Xi Jinping’s nomination for the presidency.

Led by China Democratic League deputy Zhou Qian, members from the popular front spoke for more than 48 hours straight before yielding the floor this morning.

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Wen Jiabao Awkwardly Trying to Keep Diamond-Studded Rolex under His Sleeve

Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Wen Jiabao

BEIJING — Wen Jiabao (pictured above) spent most of today fidgeting awkwardly in his seat, trying to keep his diamond-studded Rolex watch out of sight of the cameras, for fear of stoking rumors that he and his family are fabulously wealthy.

According to sources, Wen was shaken by the recent trend of Chinese netizens using Weibo to publicize and shame official extravagance but didn’t want to look penurious in front of his colleagues.

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Xi Jinping Pulls All-Nighter to Finish NPC Work Report

Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Xi Jinping

BEIJING — An exhausted Xi Jinping was seen stumbling up the steps of the Great Hall of the People after pulling an all-nighter to finish the National People’s Congress Standing Committee work report, to be delivered today.

Xi told reporters before the meeting that the report would have taken him less time but that he hadn’t done the assigned reading, which included “long and boring tracts” like Das Kapital and last year’s NPC Standing Committee work report.

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Japanese Nationalists Dismantle Yasukuni Shrine, Reassemble It Around Sleeping Shinzo Abe

Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Shinzo Abe

TOKYO — With tensions between China and Japan running high over the disputed Senkaku/Diaoyu island chain, Japanese nationalists led by former Tokyo governor Shintaro Ishihara dismantled Tokyo’s controversial Yasukuni Shrine, which commemorates Japan’s war dead, including Class-A war criminals, and reassembled it around a sleeping Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.

Abe, exhausted from his attempts to build bridges with Japan’s ASEAN neighbors over Chinese military expansion while also reaching out to Beijing, was taking a “well-earned rest” in his Tokyo home when members of Ishihara’s nationalist Sunrise Party broke in, sedated him, and relocated him to a Tokyo park.

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