Chongqing Mayor Declares State of Emergency Until Sex Tape Scandal Blows Over

Thursday, November 29, 2012

CHONGQING — Officials in Chongqing were understandably on edge after Beibei district party secretary Lei Zhengfu was dismissed last week when a sex tape showing him having intercourse with an 18-year-old mistress was posted on the Internet.

But upon learning that there are more sex tapes as yet unreleased, which threaten to implicate at least five other officials, the mayor of Chongqing Wang Liguo declared a state of emergency before rushing home to wipe his hard drive.

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POLL: 100% of National Congress Delegates Have Never Held a Hammer or Sickle

Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Flag of the Communist Party of China

Of many surveys taken during the 18th National Congress of the Communist Party of China, one that asked delegates about their feelings on the Party’s official logo—the hammer and sickle—has aroused particular controversy.

Out of the 888 delegates polled, 100% revealed that they have neither held a hammer nor a sickle at any point in their lives. Furthermore, 62% chose the response “not sure” when asked to give a context in which either implement could be used. A startling 18% mistook the sickle for a question mark.

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18th National Congress Retrospective

Monday, November 19, 2012

It’s been a whirlwind two weeks. Xi Jinping won in a landslide election, Hu Jintao lulled everyone sleep with an interminable speech, and Jiang Zemin shat himself in the Great Hall of the People.

In case you missed it, here’s a look back at our coverage of the 18th National Congress of the Communist Party of China.

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Mitt Romney Offered 8th Seat on Politburo Standing Committee

Friday, November 16, 2012
Photo © AP

BEIJING — According to inside sources, top leaders of the Communist Party originally planned for the Politburo Standing Committee to be comprised of eight members instead of seven, with Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney rounding out the list.

Internal memos reveal that shortly after Romney’s devastating loss last Wednesday, his aides reached out to the CCP to see if they had any openings, saying the former Massachusetts governor was now looking for a job, preferably one far, far away from America.

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Jiang Zemin Shits Himself on Last Day of National Congress

Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Jiang Zemin shitting himself

BEIJING — Having almost made it through the grueling, sleep-inducing five-day conference, former president Jiang Zemin seemingly lost control of his bowels on this, the final day of the 18th National Congress.

According to a high-ranking official seated next to Jiang (pictured above), the aging politician “let one fly” during a speech by president-in-waiting Xi Jinping, only it was “wetter than expected.”

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Xi Jinping Ejects Dishevelled, Babbling Future Self from National Congress

Sunday, November 11, 2012
Xi Jinping

BEIJING — Chinese president-in-waiting Xi Jinping today ejected what appeared to be an unkempt version of himself from the floor of the 18th National Congress. The sponge-faced politician was seen scuffling with himself for several minutes before finally convincing bemused security guards to escort his assailant from the premises.

“About halfway through the meeting, there was this flash of blue light, and suddenly there were two Xi Jinpings standing by the hot water machine,” an official present at the time revealed. “The new Xi, or Xi II, looked older, and was completely naked apart from a makeshift loincloth.”

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Recording of Hu Jintao’s National Congress Speech Becomes Best-selling Sleep Aid

Saturday, November 10, 2012
The most uninteresting man in the world

BEIJING — China’s top scientists are studying the soporific effects of Hu Jintao’s speech to the 18th National Congress on Thursday, after the Chinese President managed to lull all 2268 delegates to sleep within minutes of opening his mouth.

“It seems that something about the endless droning of President Hu reading meaningless, pseudo-Marxist babble from a stack of papers sends people right to REM sleep,” said Zhang Xiuji, a researcher with the China Academy of Sciences.

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Xi Jinping Wins in Landslide Election

Friday, November 9, 2012
Photo © UPI

With all polls closed and 83% of precincts reporting, Ministry of Harmony is projecting Xi Jinping (C) to be the winner of the 2012 Election for General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China.

Xi was the clear favorite as early voting results came in from the eastern provinces and steadily added to his lead throughout the night. At the moment, Xi stands to sweep the election, becoming the third candidate, after Jiang Zemin and Hu Jintao, to do so, with all 2270 delegates to the National Congress (including the two who are deceased but mailed in absentee ballots) casting their vote for the incumbent Vice President.

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Itinerary for First Day of 18th National Congress

Thursday, November 8, 2012
Delegates to the 18th National Congress

9:00 – 10:00 AM — New members icebreaker, trust-building exercises.

10:00 – 10:01 AM — Moment of silence for late chairman Mao Zedong.

10:01 – 11:00 AM — Assign new identities, fake mustaches to Party members convicted of crimes or misconduct.

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Incoming Party Leaders Brace Themselves for Traditional Hazing Rituals

Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Let the games begin

BEIJING — With only days to go before the Communist Party unveils China’s next generation of paramount leaders, its incoming members are steeling themselves for the customary slew of hazing rituals that await them.

It’s well known that during the National Congress, any senior Party member can ask a more junior member to take a shot at any time and at night the freshman are forced to play limp biscuit, but perhaps no tradition is as revered as the “Great Hazing.”

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