CCP Central Committee Mislays Mandate of Heaven

Monday, November 5, 2012
The Mandate of Heaven

BEIJING — With only two weeks to go until a major leadership transition amid a downturn in the economy, the expulsion of populist politician Bo Xilai and ongoing public crises of confidence in its continued ability to govern, the Chinese Communist Party’s Central Committee sheepishly announced to reporters Tuesday that it has no idea where it has left the Mandate of Heaven, the document which has been the sole guarantor of state power in China since the Warring States period.

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Wen Family Sues New York Times for Under-reporting Hidden Wealth

Thursday, November 1, 2012
Photo © Reuters

BEIJING — Through a harshly-worded statement issued by their lawyer, the Wen family responded to allegations of hidden wealth in a recent New York Times article, calling the piece farcical and criticizing the paper for grossly under-reporting the family’s ill-gotten gains.

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Possible Amendments to CPC Constitution

Friday, October 26, 2012
Photo © UPI

The Communist Party of China will amend the Party Constitution at the upcoming 18th National Congress. The following are some ideas proposed in the draft document:

1. Energize base and return to Communist roots with good old-fashioned purge.

2. Increase investment in developing authentic Mexican restaurant chain.

3. To ensure the purity of Mao Zedong Thought, all documents relating to Mao Zedong will be removed from general circulation and destroyed.

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Cai Bin: How I Came to Own 21 Houses

Friday, October 19, 2012
One of my houses

In the past week, a lot of people have expressed shock and surprise that a low-level corrupt official like me could accumulate 21 personal homes. But, to tell you the truth, it really wasn’t that hard. Let me walk you through it.

House #1. This one was semi-legit. My wife’s family wouldn’t allow her to marry me if I didn’t have a house so I saved all my bribes for half a year. My wife did her part and only bought one Hermès bag a month. I still don’t know how she did it.

#2. After buying that first home, I realized the importance of owning property. Also, I got promoted so I was receiving larger bribes.

#3. I bought this one without telling my wife and put it under my own name. I really recommend this for all the venal officials out there. It’s just so much easier to keep mistresses when you have your own place.

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Bo Guagua: My #1 Dad

Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The Fam

by Bo Guagua

When I was young, my father used to take me on trips around China. During a trip to Xi’an, I wandered off and found myself lost in the crowd of tourists. My dad found me half an hour later, crying next to a trash can. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me and I’ll never forget what he said.

“Guagua,” he told me. “I love you so much. I would kill every single one of these people—every single one of them—if it meant keeping you safe.” That’s when I knew I had the best father in the world.

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China Surprised at North Korea’s Sudden Intransigence

Saturday, June 9, 2012
Photo © Reuters

BEIJING — In an internal report, Chinese officials admit to being “shocked” and “deeply hurt” by the sudden intransigence of the North Korean regime. The recent North Korean rocket launch and subsequent hostage crisis have shaken Beijing’s trust in their stalwart ally.

“We’ve always considered North Korea to be a rational and responsible member of international community,” said foreign ministry spokesman Zhang Rui. “But recently, negotiations have become more and more arcane, with the North Koreans demanding payment in the form of Nilla Wafers and communicating only via semaphore. We don’t know what to make of it.”

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