Disappointment in Beijing as Sochi Declared “Most Corrupt Olympics”

Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Sochi 2014

BEIJING — Shock and disappointment spread across Beijing yesterday when the International Olympic Committee announced that the 2014 Winter Olympics held in Sochi had surpassed the 2008 Summer Olympics held in Beijing to become the most corrupt Olympiad in history.

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Aging, Irrelevant Spiritual Leader Meets Dalai Lama

Monday, February 24, 2014
Barack Obama and the Dalai Lama

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An ailing, once-great leader living in political exile met with the Dalai Lama at the White House on Friday. According to sources, the aging symbol…

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China Gifts Japan Giant Wooden Horse, Withdraws from South China Sea

Thursday, January 30, 2014
Trojan Horse

TOKYO — In an apparent easing of tensions, the People’s Liberation Army has presented the nation of Japan with a giant wooden horse in honor of Chinese New Year.

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China Banned from Sochi Olympics After Figure Skater Tests Positive for Homosexuality

Monday, January 27, 2014
Li Chunguang

MOSCOW — The Sochi Winter Olympic Committee announced Thursday that it would ban the entire Chinese Olympic figure skating team from competition after Chinese skater Li Chunguang tested positive for homosexuality in a routine anti-doping test.

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Beijing, Shanghai Air Among World’s Cleanest by PM2.5cm Standards

Saturday, January 18, 2014

BEIJING — According to a new global ranking released by the China Meteorological Administration (CMA), Beijing and Shanghai are two of the cleanest cities in the world, when…

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Death Eaters Resent Comparison to Communist Party

Thursday, January 9, 2014
Death Eaters

LONDON — Speaking from Azkaban Prison, the remnants of the Death Eater movement told the wizarding world that they objected to the recent op-ed by Japan’s ambassador to the United Kingdom, which compared them and their fallen master, the late Lord Voldemort, to the Communist Party of China.

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Japan Condemns Xi Jinping’s Visit to Controversial Mausoleum

Sunday, January 5, 2014
Photo © Jorge Lascar from Flickr

BEIJING — Mere days after Chinese officials denounced Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe’s visit to the Yasukuni Shrine, the Japanese government has hit back, condemning Chinese President Xi Jinping’s visit to the controversial mausoleum in the center of Beijing, where class-A war criminal Mao Zedong is entombed.

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Santa’s Sleigh Shot Down Over East China Sea

Thursday, December 26, 2013
Santa Claus

SHANGHAI — A worldwide investigation into the disappearance of Santa Claus ended Thursday morning when Chinese authorities announced that the PLA Air Force had shot down a “suspicious airborne arctic conveyance” over the East China Sea on December 24.

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Jimmy Kimmel to Replace Gary Locke as U.S. Ambassador to China

Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Jimmy Kimmel

WASHINGTON, D.C. — U.S. President Barack Obama announced Friday that, after careful deliberation, he has decided to nominate comedian Jimmy Kimmel to replace the outgoing Gary Locke as U.S. Ambassador to China.

Speaking to reporters in the White House Rose Garden, Obama praised Kimmel’s “nuanced understanding of China-related issues,” and his “ironic and edgy sense of humor, which will prove popular with the Chinese.”

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China Declares Lunar Defense Obliteration Zone

Saturday, December 7, 2013
Lunar Defense Obliteration Zone

BEIJING — Following the successful launch of its first lunar rover, the Chinese government has declared a defensive zone extending vertically from China into space and encompassing the moon.

The Lunar Defense Obliteration Zone, according to newly appointed space minister Wu Houyi, “will protect China’s core interests and interplanetary sovereignty.” All foreign spacecraft, satellites, comets and space debris must notify China before passing through or into the zone.

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