Feb
13

Wang Qishan Determined to Break This Motherfucker

Wang Qishan

BEIJING — As his interrogation of disgraced official Zhou Yongkang entered its third day, Wang Qishan, Secretary of the Central Commission for Discipline Inspection, told colleagues that he wouldn’t sleep until he had “broken this motherfucker.”

Feb
9

Jade Rabbit Tramples American Flag with Last Ounce of Strength

Jade Rabbit

BEIJING — According to photographs released by the China National Space Administration, Chinese lunar rover Jade Rabbit succeeded in trampling one of the American flags left on the moon, shortly before it malfunctioned.

Feb
5

Welcome Aboard, Please Kill Me

Chang Lili

by Chang Lili

Good morning, sir, and welcome aboard our Hainan Airlines flight from Bangkok to Beijing. I say “good morning,” even though it’s actually the middle of the bloody night and I’m steeling myself for five horrendous hours in one of the overcrowded pig trucks my bosses see fit to call an aircraft.

Please, just kill me now.

Feb
2

2014 CCTV New Year’s Gala Most Hate-Watched Event in History

CCTV New Year's Gala

BEIJING — According to figures released by Nielsen, this year’s CCTV New Year’s Gala was the most hate-watched show in history, with over 700 million people tuning in just to insult the program.

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