What Are Our Chinese New Year’s Resolutions?

Friday, February 20, 2015
Photo © UPI

Lose weight, stop smoking and call discipline authorities on unpopular manager — 22%
Misquote more ancient classics — 10%
Help fallen people in street instead of watching them die — 16%

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How Are We Spending Chinese New Year?

Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Photo © Getty

Weeping in holding cell of Southeast Asian airport — 12%
Pretending to be married, for our parents’ sake — 30%
Hosting CCTV New Year’s Gala — 10%

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Xi Jinping to Direct, Produce and Star in CCTV New Year’s Gala

Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Photo © Xinhua

BEIJING — In a surprise announcement Monday, General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China, President of the People’s Republic of China and Chairman of the Central Military Commission Xi Jinping declared that he would personally oversee production of this year’s CCTV New Year’s Gala.

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2014 CCTV New Year’s Gala Most Hate-Watched Event in History

Sunday, February 2, 2014
CCTV New Year's Gala

BEIJING — According to figures released by Nielsen, this year’s CCTV New Year’s Gala was the most hate-watched show in history, with over 700 million people tuning in just to insult the program.

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Mother’s Attempt to Encourage Daughter Ends in Bilateral Guilt

Friday, January 31, 2014
Mother's Attempt to Encourage Daughter Ends in Bilateral Guilt

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China Gifts Japan Giant Wooden Horse, Withdraws from South China Sea

Thursday, January 30, 2014
Trojan Horse

TOKYO — In an apparent easing of tensions, the People’s Liberation Army has presented the nation of Japan with a giant wooden horse in honor of Chinese New Year.

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Celine Dion Inadvertently Ends Career with CCTV New Year’s Gala Performance

Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Celine Dion Finally Insipid Enough to Perform at CCTV's New Year Gala

BEIJING — Canadian songstress Celine Dion unintentionally sang her swansong during CCTV’s annual New Year’s Gala, signalling the end of her two-decade career without even realizing it.

Dion, 98, performed the Chinese-language folk song “Jasmine” alongside lip-syncing Chinese pseudo-star Song Zuying before dazzling the studio audience with a stirring rendition of “My Heart Will Go On,” her bestselling 1997 single which ruined James Cameron’s Titanic for two generations of filmgoers.

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Official Still Trying to Decide Which of His Six Families to Spend New Year With

Sunday, February 10, 2013
Official Still Trying to Decide Which of His Six Families to Spend New Year With

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Celine Dion Finally Insipid Enough to Perform at CCTV New Year’s Gala

Saturday, February 9, 2013
Celine Dion Finally Insipid Enough to Perform at CCTV's New Year Gala

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Locals Celebrate First Car Alarm of Chinese New Year

Friday, February 8, 2013
Locals Celebrate First Car Alarm of Chinese New Year

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