BEIJING — In response to multiple threats aimed at pirated DVD stores across the country, China has decided to pull all bootlegged copies of The Interview until further notice.
A leaked document allegedly written by the People’s Liberation Army contains details about what China would do in the event North Korea collapses. Here are several of China’s contingency plans: Identify the hostile foreign…
WASHINGTON — After one of the most traumatic weeks of his presidency, with a terror attack in Boston, a lethal explosion in West, Texas and the ignominious defeat of a gun control bill, U.S. President Barack Obama launched part of the American nuclear missile array at North Korea Friday night, effectively destroying the entire country and drawing a line under the Kim dynasty.
In a video from the White House Crisis Room, broadcast on all U.S. television networks at 9:00 p.m. EST, the president, visibly haggard, addressed the nation before obliterating the tiny East Asian dictatorship.
SEOUL — In an act of further escalation, North Korea has announced that starting next week, it will begin running tours of the smoking ruin of South Korea.
On Saturday, the state tourism agency opened registration for five- and seven-day “Reunification Tours,” which cost twelve and fifteen goats, respectively, will take visitors around “territory freshly liberated by the supreme leader Kim Jong-un.”
BEIJING — The Ministry of Foreign Affairs announced today that it has intercepted North Korean cables that suggest North Korean leader Kim Jong-un is developing a “sex bomb.” This news comes on the heels of the country’s third nuclear test and threatens to further destabilize the region.
BEIJING — In an internal report, Chinese officials admit to being “shocked” and “deeply hurt” by the sudden intransigence of the North Korean regime. The recent North Korean rocket launch and subsequent hostage crisis have shaken Beijing’s trust in their stalwart ally.
“We’ve always considered North Korea to be a rational and responsible member of international community,” said foreign ministry spokesman Zhang Rui. “But recently, negotiations have become more and more arcane, with the North Koreans demanding payment in the form of Nilla Wafers and communicating only via semaphore. We don’t know what to make of it.”
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