China Pulls All Copies of “The Interview” from Pirated DVD Stores

Friday, December 19, 2014
The Interview

BEIJING — In response to multiple threats aimed at pirated DVD stores across the country, China has decided to pull all bootlegged copies of The Interview until further notice.

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China’s Contingency Plans in the Event of North Korean Collapse

Monday, May 12, 2014
Photo © Reuters

A leaked document allegedly written by the People’s Liberation Army contains details about what China would do in the event North Korea collapses. Here are several of China’s contingency plans: Identify the hostile foreign…

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Kim Jong-un’s Surviving Family Anticipating Awkward Christmas

Thursday, December 19, 2013
Kim Jong-un Family

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“Fuck it,” Says Exhausted Obama, Before Nuking Pyongyang

Saturday, April 20, 2013
Photo © White House

WASHINGTON — After one of the most traumatic weeks of his presidency, with a terror attack in Boston, a lethal explosion in West, Texas and the ignominious defeat of a gun control bill, U.S. President Barack Obama launched part of the American nuclear missile array at North Korea Friday night, effectively destroying the entire country and drawing a line under the Kim dynasty.

In a video from the White House Crisis Room, broadcast on all U.S. television networks at 9:00 p.m. EST, the president, visibly haggard, addressed the nation before obliterating the tiny East Asian dictatorship.

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North Korea Begins Offering Tours of the Smoking Ruin of South Korea

Sunday, April 14, 2013
South Korea

SEOUL — In an act of further escalation, North Korea has announced that starting next week, it will begin running tours of the smoking ruin of South Korea.

On Saturday, the state tourism agency opened registration for five- and seven-day “Reunification Tours,” which cost twelve and fifteen goats, respectively, will take visitors around “territory freshly liberated by the supreme leader Kim Jong-un.”

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Kim Jong-un, Ri Sol-ju to Become World’s Shittiest Parents

Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Kim Jong-un and Ri Sol-ju

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Kim Jong-un Rumored to Be Developing “Sex Bomb”

Sunday, February 17, 2013
Kim Jong-un

BEIJING — The Ministry of Foreign Affairs announced today that it has intercepted North Korean cables that suggest North Korean leader Kim Jong-un is developing a “sex bomb.” This news comes on the heels of the country’s third nuclear test and threatens to further destabilize the region.

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China Calls for “Measured Response” after North Korea Nukes Beijing

Saturday, December 15, 2012
North Korea Nukes Beijing

BEIJING — Yesterday, North Korea fired a prototype ICBM armed with a tactical warhead directly into the heart of Beijing at 3 a.m., devastating six square miles of the city and killing an estimated ten million people.

Immediately after the complete destruction of the nation’s capital, the surviving members of the Chinese government issued a statement calling for “restraint and careful diplomacy” following this “unfortunate development.”

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China Surprised at North Korea’s Sudden Intransigence

Saturday, June 9, 2012
Photo © Reuters

BEIJING — In an internal report, Chinese officials admit to being “shocked” and “deeply hurt” by the sudden intransigence of the North Korean regime. The recent North Korean rocket launch and subsequent hostage crisis have shaken Beijing’s trust in their stalwart ally.

“We’ve always considered North Korea to be a rational and responsible member of international community,” said foreign ministry spokesman Zhang Rui. “But recently, negotiations have become more and more arcane, with the North Koreans demanding payment in the form of Nilla Wafers and communicating only via semaphore. We don’t know what to make of it.”

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