“Fuck it,” Says Exhausted Obama, Before Nuking Pyongyang

Saturday, April 20, 2013
Photo © White House

WASHINGTON — After one of the most traumatic weeks of his presidency, with a terror attack in Boston, a lethal explosion in West, Texas and the ignominious defeat of a gun control bill, U.S. President Barack Obama launched part of the American nuclear missile array at North Korea Friday night, effectively destroying the entire country and drawing a line under the Kim dynasty.

In a video from the White House Crisis Room, broadcast on all U.S. television networks at 9:00 p.m. EST, the president, visibly haggard, addressed the nation before obliterating the tiny East Asian dictatorship.

Read More

North Korea Begins Offering Tours of the Smoking Ruin of South Korea

Sunday, April 14, 2013
South Korea

SEOUL — In an act of further escalation, North Korea has announced that starting next week, it will begin running tours of the smoking ruin of South Korea.

On Saturday, the state tourism agency opened registration for five- and seven-day “Reunification Tours,” which cost twelve and fifteen goats, respectively, will take visitors around “territory freshly liberated by the supreme leader Kim Jong-un.”

Read More

China Calls for “Measured Response” after North Korea Nukes Beijing

Saturday, December 15, 2012
North Korea Nukes Beijing

BEIJING — Yesterday, North Korea fired a prototype ICBM armed with a tactical warhead directly into the heart of Beijing at 3 a.m., devastating six square miles of the city and killing an estimated ten million people.

Immediately after the complete destruction of the nation’s capital, the surviving members of the Chinese government issued a statement calling for “restraint and careful diplomacy” following this “unfortunate development.”

Read More