Miniharm’s Top 10 Moments of 2013

Friday, December 20, 2013
Chinese Dream

It’s been a whirlwind year in China. Here’s a look back at 10 moments that made us smile.

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I Didn’t Gang-Rape That Girl—She Gang-Raped Me

Saturday, August 31, 2013
Li Tianyi

by Li Tianyi

My name is Li Tianyi.

Most of you probably think I’m some young fuerdai punk with a pretty face and a smooth contralto. And many of you probably hope that I’ll be found guilty and spend a good chunk of my life in jail.

But I have something to confess. Something I’m not proud of—something so awful and shocking that it defies human understanding: I did not gang-rape that girl. In fact, she gang-raped me.

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Zhang Yimou to Direct Hotly Anticipated Bo Xilai Trial

Thursday, August 22, 2013
Photo © Reuters

BEIJING — After weeks of speculation, the Judicial Entertainment Department of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China announced that Zhang Yimou has agreed to direct the long-awaited trial of disgraced Chongqing party chief and former Politburo member Bo Xilai.

The famed impresario pledged to make the trial “a star-studded extravaganza showcasing the very best in extralegal obfuscation.”

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Kangaroos Being Assembled for Bo Xilai Trial

Thursday, August 8, 2013
Photo © Reuters

BEIJING — Kangaroos from across the country are currently being herded to serve as jurists for the upcoming trial of former Chongqing party secretary Bo Xilai.

In accordance with Communist Party guidelines, if Bo pleads not guilty to charges of accepting bribes, corruption and abuse of power, it will be up to the jury of 12 marsupials to determine his guilt.

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Bo Guagua: My #1 Dad

Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The Fam

by Bo Guagua

When I was young, my father used to take me on trips around China. During a trip to Xi’an, I wandered off and found myself lost in the crowd of tourists. My dad found me half an hour later, crying next to a trash can. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me and I’ll never forget what he said.

“Guagua,” he told me. “I love you so much. I would kill every single one of these people—every single one of them—if it meant keeping you safe.” That’s when I knew I had the best father in the world.

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Wang Lijun Really Not Looking Forward to Federal Pound-Me-in-the-Ass Prison

Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Wang looking concerned for his anus

After receiving his sentence of 15 years in prison, disgraced Chongqing police chief Wang Lijun admitted to a small coterie of friends and supporters that he was “really not looking forward to” prison, where he will most likely be anally penetrated.

A family friend recalled that Wang looked “visibly concerned” for the virginity of his poop chute, but revealed he had a plan.

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